The Adventure'S Of BLACKMAN
DISCRIPTION
BLACKMAN
Afro
Average height
Teenager
Vacuum nose
Born to teenage parents
Intro into character
BlackMan is a young adult that has just turned 18 years old in the current the year. He is a young man who is trying to navigate through the cause of adulthood. He lives with his grandmother in the outskirts of Dingle Town. Parents have separated and mother lives in a different province due to work related issues.
Granny
Lives at home / part-time job
Well loved by the community
Raised by indigenous African parents
Grandmother
Intro into character
A retired old woman that spends most of her time at home and sometimes at home. A vigilante old lady who can mysteriously smell danger. Active like a teenager when it is necessary.
Logic
Knows everything going on in the town
Aka towns newspaper
Nobody knows where he lives but is in the community.
Always drunk
Gives random advise
Mid 50’s
Expert in evething
Intro into character
Logic has recently jointed the community of Dingle Town. Everyone in the community knows him. Always has something to say. Can never pass anyone without with talking/ giving advice/ announcing information to them.
Friday
BlackMans friend
Talkative
Unreliable
Big Head
Loyal
Intro into character
Friday is BlackMan’s best friend. Usually what he says that’s make sense and you can’t rely on him being punctual. The nigga was even late for his birth. Born after his mother carried him for 12 months. Some say it is because of his huge head that his momma was not able to push him out in within 9 months.
No return
Dealer
Allergic to the police/snitches/ returns
Intro into character
No-Return is the towns dealer. The man will sell you anything you want (will even sell you your own name). The man is a working retail store. A deal that is agreed on can never be broken with him. That has been bought from him can never be returned.
Rev
Preacher
Lustrous
Hustler
Intro into character
A preacher that loves woman with all his heart but can’t build the stamina to approach them. Will con anyone out of their hard-earned money.
Mercy
Hot
Hoe
Flirty
Great body
Intro into character
Hangs around with multiple men. Massive different car brand names are always outside her house. She has no car but has driven in all of them cars that are available. She has no kids but you gotta be bold to hit.
EPISODE 1
[You want to kill me/ choose your weapon]
[It is in the afternoon and BlackMan are walking with his friend Friday and they see mercy entering a Rolls Royce]
Mercy : Hey boys.
[She enters the car as she waves towards BlackMan and Friday]
Friday : Damn boy. Another car in the same day. That Booty must be aching.
BlackMan : Here we go again.
Friday : Word on the street is that girl didn’t have a fady like that in the prior years.
BlackMan : You do know about BBL’s right.
Friday : Bra… it’s that D she be riding. [while chuckling] I bet that ass is swollen from been treated like a horse for a whole year.
[Riding a imaginary horse]
[They both laugh in a jokingly manner]
BlackMan : You dumb bra. Let’s go get some of the Zaza before heading home.
Friday : You sure about that.
BlackMan : Yeah poi. It is time my brother.
Friday : You known your granny gon go kung fu bitch on you.
BlackMan : Come on my guy, I am a man now.
Friday : I’m looking forward to eating that cabbage at your funeral next week.
BlackMan [They proceed to the local dealer’s house]. I heard that No-Return has got some good stuff in his vault.
Friday : My nigga already knowns who got the good stuff. You better not die on me cause you known that No-Return sells sketchy products.
BlackMan : Bruh! [ In disbelieve] You did realise that your dad does all his grocery shopping from him.
Friday : Precisely… You think that my head would be this big if I was eating proper food.
[BlackMan laughs]
BlackMan : Ehh No-Return.
No-Return : Sho
BlackMan : Can you hook us up with some of the Zaza. We wanna meet our ancestors today.
No-Return : Clearly… You know your granny is going to go kung-fu bitch on you.
BlackMan : Nuh, I’m a man now.
No-Return : Ayt
[Gives BlackMan then BlackMan walks away]
[BlackMan hears humming voices coming from his house as he spots his grandmother cooking.]
Grandmother : So, you’ve decided to finally come back home.
BlackMan : But granny this is the time whereby I usually return home.
: I’ll be in my room if you need anything. Let’s go Bra.
Friday : It was nice to see you granny.
Grandmother : Hmm. I don’t know but something smells fishy. What have you done. I have my eye on you.
BlackMan : We haven’t done anything. Let’s go Friday.
[Humming continues]
[Door locks]
Friday : So, we gon eat it here?
BlackMan : Yeah, my granny won’t realise a thing.
[They both take a piece of the Zaza.]
Friday : Nothing is happing.
BlackMan : Just shut up.
[30 minutes later. BlackMan and Friday start to laugh out of control]
Grandmother : What I these two boys laughing at. [Knock on the door] Boys what are you doing in the.
[ Opens the door and grads his grandmother and starts to dance with her.]
Boy what do you think you are doing.
BlackMan : Come on granny can’t you see that we are having a party. Teach me some of your moves.
Grandmother : How dare you. Friday I’ll call your father and tell him that you’ll be sleeping over here at my house. I going to deal with the both of you all night long. I can’t believe these boys became high in my house. My father and mother must be turning in their graves at this moment.
[It is around 19h30 and granny comes with a bucket of water cold water and pours it all over the two boys.]
BlackMan: Granny! why would you do that.
Grandmother : Choose your weapon [pot, belt, cooking spoon, brick, hammer are the provided weapons to the two boys.] Or do you want these hands. [No response]. I’ll choose for you… you will get these hands. The granny attempts to slap BlackMan and BlackMan blocks her hand. OH Lord Jesus! These boys are trying to kill me. [Rushes outside and cause a scene.]. Help, me these boys are trying to kill me. They have raised their hands against me.
Friday : Is your granny also high or am I still high.
BlackMan : We are definitely not high. She likes to overreact.
[Mercy returns home]
Mercy : Granny what’s wrong?
Granny : These two boys want to finish me off. They were high and they did not allow me to punish them. When I was growing up, I never raised a hand at my parents. I accepted every punishment that has been thrown my way.
Mercy : So, they don’t want to be punished.
Granny : You can say so, they raised their hands against me.
Mercy : They tried to strike you!
Granny : Not precisely they just blocked my attack and that to me is the same as striking me down.
Mercy : Don’t worry granny. I’m so it is just a little misunderstanding. But I’ll talk to them.
[Enters the house]. Hey boys [In a seductive manner]. What’s this that I hear that you are giving your granny a hard time.
BlackMan : We did no such. At first, I thought that she was high but now I can see that old age is kicking in.
Friday : Amen!
Mercy : Uhh my babies [Still in a seductive manner]. You shouldn’t do that. You know pretty well that she is a fragile fossil and sometimes it becomes hard to process some of the information. Please are beg you to take it easy on her. Do it for me okay boys.
BlackMan/ : Okay
Friday
Mercy : Thank you. [Mercy’s cellphone rings] (Bring that sexy ass outside. I’m waiting.). Okay boys I must go but remember to be nice to your granny…Okay. Bye granny.
BlackMan : I’m sorry granny for what we have done to you. Would you please forgive us.
Granny : Okay…I’ll forgive you so that I parents can rest in peace. They must have been tossing and turning for what you did.
EPISODE 2
Grabbing Some Booty
Rev : {Damn this people are stingy. Only 5000 for donations. I’ll take 3 and pass by the strip club and to bless some of those ladies. Come to think of it, I’m hungry and I don’t want to spend this on food. I’ll go to granny’s house and find something to give me strength.}
[It is in the evening on a Sunday and pastor rev knocks on the door]
BlackMan : [Opens the door]. Good evening, Rev. But bring you here this late.
Rev : I came to check on granny as I did see her today at church.
BlackMan : She is not feeling well.
Granny : Come here boy and give me the remote.
BlackMan : This way Rev. [BlackMan see’s the remote that is an inch away from his grandmother.
Granny : Pastor to what I own the pleasure for you to come see me at such a late time.
Rev : I realized that you went available today at church. So, I came to collect some of the donations that you could not provide.
Granny : How thoughtful of you, my son.
BlackMan : But granny this man extorting money from you.
Granny : The man of God would do no such.
Rev : Amen. Thank you, granny. The lord will accept this money with open hands. Coming here has made me hungry.
Granny : Don’t worry pastor. Jesus shared a loaf of bread with a thousand people. The least I could do is to share with you. My son, prepare something for the Reverend.
[BlackMan- silent in disbelieve.]
Rev : {Yes. I knew my plan wouldn’t go South.} Thank you, granny. I shall now take my leave.
[Rev has finished eating and leaves the house.] {Now that my stomach is full, I’m ready for my young ladies. It is time that I’m rewarded for all my hard work.
BlackMan : Granny that man just scammed you. He did not even ask what was the reason that made you to skip church.
Granny : That’s the man of God.
BlackMan : That nigga just hustled you for cash. His a ….
Granny : Stop it boy! [Gives him the look]. [BlackMan goes into immediate silence].
[Knock on the window]
Friday : How to sleep while you are sober on a Sunday.
BlackMan : Nigga we got school tomorrow. I gotta sleep.
Friday : You’ll sleep in class dawg; I know your granny is already asleep. She’s busy revving a tractor right now [Sounds of snoring]
BlackMan : Ayt, let me fix myself up.
[In the strip club. Loud songs playing and different light background]
Rev : Thank you, lord, for giving me heaven on earth. All these lovely sexy ladies in one place… thank you, big man. [One tear drops]
Barman : Good evening, Rev. Here’s the usual.
Rev : May God bless you, my son. And remember you never saw me.
Destiny : Hello daddy. You came to see us tonight.
Rev : Oh, my lovely Destiny. Iwas sitting the in my church and God told me that it is time that I bless these hands of mine. [Destiny kisses the Rev on his bold head]. {Thank you, God}.
Destiny/Striper : [Whispers into his ear]. Buy me a drink and will finish where we left of last time.
[BlackMan and Friday enter strip club. HOE (Heaven On Earth)]
Friday : We in my boy. Look at these bitches. Oh shit!
BlackMan : What bro. [BlackMan continues laughing.]
Friday : Bro, the Rev is here.
BlackMan : He be preaching to them hoes.
Friday : Look over there.
BlackMan : Oh shit! The nigga is getting freaky.
Friday : He is grabbing that Booty.
BlackMan : Let’s take a sit.
Random girls : Hello boys can we indulge you in some company.
BlackMan : Say less. So, what are your names.
Random girls : I’m Nicky and she’s Cherry.
Nicky : You seem too young to be in this place.
BlackMan : We just recently got the qualification for entrance.
[They kept on talking. They get drunk and enjoy the experience]
[The following morning at the crack of dawn.]
Granny : What is wrong with your eyes.
BlackMan : Granny I gotta run. I have an early class…bye.
[In class and BlackMan is sleeping in the middle of the lesson. An alarm of farts starts. The stench of the fart won the war against the oxygen in the room.
Principal : Wake up boy.
BlackMan : Give us five more minutes. [They continue to sleep]
[He is taken to the principal’s office, and he falls asleep on the couch. The principal calls Granny]
Principal : Granny your child is giving us a hard time.
Granny : You say what. Say less FAM. I’ll be the in a jiffy. [Teenage mode unlocked as she runs towards the school.]
Where is that boy. Come here boy. I said come here boy. [Kung-Fu mode unlocked. Spinning kick on BlackMan’s neck.]
BlackMan : I’m awake!
Granny : You’ll kill me with all this adrenaline that you inflict on me. What has he done now?
Principal : Your son has been sleeping all day. He has painted the whole room with his ass.
Granny : What do you mean?
Principal : This nigga of yours has been farting in his sleep. He nearly choked his fellow leaners to death. Now the class is declared as a biohazard zone. We must close the school down the school for the whole month.
Granny : It is that bad.
Principal : Take your child and give him something strong for to cleanse his stomach.
[Music playing in the background]
Friday : Bro, you are trending all over the internet.
BlackMan : For the wrong reasons.
Friday : Bra they are calling you, their hero. The whole month without school, that’s a taste of heaven.
BlackMan : I didn’t see it that way at first. Damn we gather make the most out of this holiday.
Friday : Speaking like a true Legend my n-word.
EPISODE 3
The Wedding
[It is in the afternoon and granny is in the presence of logic]
Logic : I’m telling you granny. People used to fear me back in my previous town, people used to fear me. The main reason for I left is that people feared me. So wanted them to live in peace and decided to depart.
Granny : Where you a criminal?
Logic : Me…a criminal, never. I used to finish all the alcohol available in my town before twelve o’clock. [chuckles a little]. You see this bottle is my happiness. And before I forget the Saga family will be having a wedding next week.
Granny : I didn’t know about that.
Logic : The invites have not yet been distributed but I’m certain you will receive it very soon. Heard that the Franklin family will not be invited as the is bad blood between the families.
Granny : What happened?
Logic : Apparently father saga used to look at used to look at Coco’s behind.
Granny : You lie.
Logic : I’m telling the truth as it is. I’ve said too much, now I must catch something cold. Bye
Granny : You heard that right. You better pick out an outfit because we are going together.
BlackMan : But granny you haven’t even received an invitation.
Granny : In this community you don’t need an invitation to attend a function. [Singing wedding songs]
[Granny received an invitation. Day of the wedding]
Friday : Can’t believe you made me attend this wedding bra.
BlackMan : So, you rather let me suffer alone. Where’s the love bro.
Friday : Fuck you, skinny nigga. You better pray that I don’t exhale too hard without blowing you away.
[The crowd sings weddings songs and cars are hooting.]
The groom : [Car doesn’t want to start. Vroooo…vrooo…vrooo]. Why did I buy this car from No-Return. Dammit car. Hey people can I get a push. Babe go and help them.
The bride : Really John, on my wedding day. [mxm]
BlackMan : Did that nigga say that he needs a push.
Friday : That’s fucked up.
[The bride pushes the car with her hills on]
John : Come on my beautiful car. Baby push harder. [vrrr,vrrrrr,vroom]. Come baby run, if I stop the car, it will shut off.
The bride : Honey! wait for me I’m running. [Jumps in through the window]. [Wedding songs continue]
BlackMan : Another No-Return sale.
No-Return : [Comes from behind]. You are talking about me. What can I help you with. Need to rend a date, want food, car, heaven, all of these things I got them. Just say the word and we seal the deal and remember no returns allowed.
BlackMan : Nuh I’m good.
No-Return : take this. Now this Zaza here is the real shit.
[Simultaneously]
BlackMan : I can smell it.
Friday : I can smell it.
[A few minutes later. The weeding is still on.]
BlackMan : Push faster bro. [Imitating car sounds while in a wheelbarrow with Friday pushing it]. Vroom…bbbb…pepe, Vroom…bbbb…pepe, Vroom…bbbb…pepe.
Friday : I’m stepping on it bro. [ Mimicking a car burnout by creating dust with his feet. Vroommmmmmm…vroommmmm.
[Granny jumps the gate]
BlackMan : Hey Mercy, want a ride. Bet you haven’t been drove in this type of car.
Mercy : That’s so cute but that “car of yours” cannot handle this cargo.
Friday : Let’s go bro. Turn the ignition on. [Vroommmmmmm…vroommmmm.] My nigga must be higher than me, because he would never play in that territory if he was thinking clearly. My Nigga we are losing our minds over this shit No-Return sold us.
BlackMan : I did what nigga give me some bleach so I can wash the shit that has come out of my mouth.
Friday : Nuh you secretly like her.
BlackMan : Nigga I don not want to die. King Kong ain’t got shit on me but that Booty will be immediate death for me. A bucket of 100 liters of illness there.
Friday : We gotta make it up to your granny because we did her dirty.
BlackMan : I think she is in her room.
Friday : Let’s give her some of the Zaza.
BlackMan : A night with the Lord should soften her up.
Friday : She will be twerking in heaven. Will never be in heaven for talking like this.
BlackMan : Will use that balloon head of yours to fly out of hell.
EPISODE 4
Black Santa
[it is at midnight, and someone is crying out for help.]
BlackMan : [Police sirens wailing]. What is happening here.
Friday : Apparently your granny fell from her loaf of bread.
BlackMan : We known pretty well that your father flies with your head.
Friday : Some nigga just stole from that house over there.
BlackMan : The second house in one night. Dingle Town has changed.
[During the day. Logis is talking to granny]
Logic : Granny have you had that Black Santa has arrived in Dingle Town.
Granny : Who is Black Santa now.
Logic : The girl that is terrorizing the community.
Granny : How do you know that she is a girl.
Logic : Based on the pattern of the crime it is the same woman that the police are looking for at Stomata Town.
Granny : So, you were a policeman in your past.
Logic : No, I just took a training that all… and I am familiar with the Town police. But don’t worry granny I can teach you some defensive moves. I did teach kung-fu once.
Granny : A man of many careers. Okay, teach me.
[Tables and chairs are moved away to create space to conduct the training session]
Logic : Okay granny I want you to try and attack me.
Granny : Hiya! [Granny’s hand is grabbed and twisted] Iyo, it is painful.
Logic : It is a sign that it is working. [Training continues].
BlackMan : See you later.
Logic : Here comes your son. I want you to demonstrate what I have taught you.
[BlackMan enters the house, before he could even say hello, BlackMan is taken down by his granny.]
BlackMan : Ahh, granny you are hurting me.
Granny : You think that you can steal from me and get away with it.
BlackMan : I didn’t steal anything.
Logic : That’s good. Now choke him [Granny strangles her son. BlackMan struggles to breath]. Now that is enough. You made me proud.
Granny : Thank you master.
Logic : Now don’t forget the straggling part. It is the most important one. Choke them until they sleep.
BlackMan : What is going on here.
Logic : I’m teaching your grandma some defensive moves.
BlackMan : You both crazy. I’m out of here.
[BlackMan and Friday Walking]
Friday : What’s wrong with you bro.
BlackMan : My granny and logic happened. They practiced kung-fu on me.
Friday : You pussy. Being beat up by old people.
BlackMan : Look whose talking. So, where we heading to.
Friday : My dad wants some surveillance equipment from No-Return.
BlackMan : So, he is also scared by the nigga. Your dad sounds like a pussy.
[They both enter No-Returns shop]
No-Return : [Sneezes]. I smell some bacon.
Friday : No-Return, can you hook us up with surveillance equipment.
No-Return : Why do I smell bacon on you. [Continues to sneeze]
Friday : You can smell the bacon that I ate yesterday.
No-Return : Not that one stupid. I mean the cop one. You are a couple of snitches.
Friday : No, we are not. We hate pigs.
BlackMan : Oink, oink.
No-Return : You think this is a game boy. I’ll end you. [Continues to sneeze in an uncontrollable manner]
BlackMan : The only contact we had with pigs is when we saw at a crime scene last night.
No-Return : That explains the faint smell. Okay but I’ll keep my eye on you. There is your stuff.
[At night and Black Santa is getting ready for duty]
Black Santa : Eni mini mani moo I’ll take stuff from this home. Ayt, let me fill my bag. [Enters the house in silence, hears a loud snore]. Did are enter into a factory. [Damn this fridge is full of water. This is some nice cutlery; I’ll take it I’ll take it. Portable speaker, take take, chargers, make them disappear. Shit the snore has stopped.
Granny : This house is too big for the both of us.
Black Santa : Then I’ll shall leave.
Grany : Hiya! [ Kung-fu mode on]
[They engage into a fight. Black Santa frows a frying pan at granny. Granny catches it and mimics Bruce Lee nun chucks with the frying pan].
EPISODE 5
Week of Reconciliation
BlackMan : Damn granny what’s that thing doing here.
Granny : Watch your tone young man. Since you are so eager to know, she will be leaving with us until forever.
BlackMan : What the fuck
Granny : Damn boy if you don’t change that God damn tone of yours in my house, you will become my ancestor.
BlackMan : But that bitch is evil.
Granny : You then done it now boy. [Teaches BlackMan some manners]. I told you boy to change that tone of yours. [ While beating him up]. I told you I will not tolerate that tone of yours. Now you young lady come her and bring me the wooden spoon I want to cook. [BlackSanta approaches]. Now in what life have you ever heard of a child thief. [ Granny changes her attention to BlackSanta]. You know the damage you have caused around here, I told you I’m going to teach you some manners. Now tell me your name.\
BlackSanta : [While crying]. It is Sam
Granny : Now both of you prepare something to eat and don’t even think about poisoning me because I’ll steal whip your ass even when I am dead.
[It is early in the morning and the streets are quiet and Sam and BlackMan are still sleeping.]
Wake your asses up, it is time for you to do your community work.
BlackMan : But that does not concern me.
Granny : Sam is now family and family sticks with each other. Family helps one another through tough times. So now you will help Sam through her tough times by accompanying her to fulfil her duties and lend her a hand. You can take it as punishment for what you have done in school.
[BlackMan and Sam on top of a roof]
BlackMan : Can’t believe that I’m stuck with you so early in the morning on a sunny day.
Sam : You heard that you are punished for your own reasons.
BlackMan : I was never going to be punished if it wasn’t for you. People see me as their hero for making the school close for the whole mouth. Even December holidays are not that long. AH. [BlackMan hits his hand with a hammer]. This is all your fault.
Sam : That’s karma. I you do not stop talking we will neve finish up. Now tell me, what’s the deal with granny?
BlackMan : She’s one tough old bitch. Raised by a couple of tough African parents. I believe she can go head-to-head with Jackie Chan and win the match.
Sam : She’s that tough.
BlackMan : Do not even think about running away. That crazy old lady will kill you and go to hell and return you back on earth. Remember that ass whooping she gave you when you were trying to steal in our house.
Sam : Yoh bra, I can still feel the pain in my ass.
BlackMan : I found her training during the day when you came to our house.
Sam : I got some fucking bad luck.
BlackMan : The bad luck is living with her. But to be honest she is a soft loving granny. You will enjoy living with her if she wants you to.
[They move to the school. They are giving equipment to clean classes. Sam gets hit by a stanch of horrible smell.]
Sam : Sies, what’s this smell.
Principal : Your brother caused it.
Sam : My brother?
Principal : Nigga, tell her what you did.
[They start cleaning the classes]
Sam : Nigga what did you do?
BlackMan : I had an unpleasant day.
Sam : Nigga talk to me.
BlackMan : I farted okay! Are you happy now.
Sam : Nigga what?
BlackMan : So, I went to the strip club and did some fucked up drugs and then I slept in class in the following class and farted.
Sam : Nigga you nasty, you stink, nigga your ass is expired. When did this happen?
BlackMan : Three weeks ago.
Sam : [In a crying manner]. And it still stinks so bad. Nigga you make were they wash poop smell like roses compared to what you have done dawg. Now I gotta surfer for your sin’s. I can still smell it while wearing the guess mask. Nigga, you nasty!
BlackMan : Whatever you say dawg all I know is that I am a hero.
Sam : [In a crying manner]. After doing this my community work has to be considered over. This might not be physically painful but mentally I am damaged. Nigga, I can’t believe you. To think that I leave with you in the same house. I’ll be punished for my whole life.
BlackMan : You seem to forget that the reason we are cleaning this shit is because of you. So, stop whining, this work will not get finished on its own while you busy talking.
[BlackMan and Sam have finished their task, and they are reporting to the principal.
Sam : Hey prince we have finished the job.
Principal : Okay let me feel in your time sheet for the day.
Sam : Will I be cleared after this/
Principal : No, it was your first day.
Sam : Nah I’m not taking that crap. I cleaned the classes while I had to tolerate the stanch of this nigga here. Can you smell that smell, I am damaged emotionally.
Principal : I guess you have a point. Okay, here you go.
Sam : Thank you, sir. Nigga let’s go.
[Back at home]
BlackMan : See I told you that I am a hero.
Sam : Fuck you mean?
BlackMan : If I did not make that school stink you wouldn’t have finished with your community work.
Sam : Nigga!
BlackMan : You would still be left with 9992 hours left.
Sam : So, you want me to thank you for being a nasty nigga.
BlackMan : Of cause.
Sam : Do not act like you did it for me. You are just an expired nigga.
BlackMan : So, a young nigga can never receive flowers from you.
Sam : Even if you die, you won’t receive them from me.
BlackMan : You are one cold bitch.
Granny : I heard that you have finished your community work.
Sam : That’s true.
Granny : I hope that you did not twerk for that fat nigga.
Sam : I would not do such.
Granny : I hope. Come here…this is your room. You can decorate it however you want.
Sam : I never had my own room before, thank you granny.
Granny : Welcome home.
BlackMan : I told you that you can enjoy staying with her if she wants you to.
EPISODE 6
Booty Management
[It is about 50 degrees in Dingle Town and BlackMan is sitting Sam aka Black Santa]
BlackMan : I still can’t believe that my granny brought you here.
Sam : You talk like I wanted to be here.
BlackMan : Well, here we are. But she did give you an ass whooping that day.
Sam : If you keep bringing that up, I’ll beat you up.
BlackMan : Don’t get on my nerves. You are lucky that I would not put my hands on a girl.
Sam : That’s how pussies talk.
[All of a sudden, they hear a loud balloon bursting, followed by a scream]
BlackMan : It comes from Mercy’s house. [They both rush to see what is going].
Friday : Where are you rushing too.
BlackMan : Mercy’s crip. [Mercy still screaming]. What is wrong.
Mercy : Look at my ass.
BlackMan : Oh shit! Somebody stole it.
Friday : Nah bra it looks like it deflated.
Sam : Based on the sound that we head it has popped.
Mercy : I also think it has popped. I was sleeping here out in the sun and suddenly, my ass just got painful.
BlackMan : Okay I’ll call the ambulance.
Mercy : No do not do that. Call No-Return and he’ll know what to do.
Friday : I should have figured.
Sam : Whose No-return.
Friday : Some doggie dealer that sells everything.
Sam : He sounds like Santa Clause.
Friday : You better not steal anything from him, or you’ll regret it.
No-Return : Come on baby I can take care of you.
Random girl : Oh, papi can’t afford me. You must be loco.
No-Return : I run a successful business, so money is not an issue. [Cellphone rings]. You know what, take whatever you one in the shop. It is on me. [Answer’s phone]. No-Return speaking, if you are calling about returning goods, you must know that it is not allowed and the best choice for you is to buy an alternative from what you bought.
BlackMan : I don’t want any of those options. I’m at Mercy’s house and she needs your help.
No-Return : She needs this D that I’m carrying in my pants.
Mercy : Say operation Pluto is activated.
BlackMan : She says operation Pluto is activated.
No-Return : Holy shit! I’ll be the in a jiffy.
Sam : Has this happened before?
Mercy : I’m ashamed to admit that it has happened more than once.
Friday : Damn Girl! When was the worst time it happened?
Mercy : Well, it is a long story but ill tell you since you got time. [Tells a story]. So, I was with this guy called Ralph. Damn that nigga used to ride me so good. So, we were doing the dead and he was one kinky motherfucker. Oh, I missed that D. So, he was busy slapping…
Friday : Okay, it makes sense.
Mercy : Boy don’t cut me off. So, during dinner we ate beans, and you know they can be some crazy motherfuckers by smell. So, the nigga decided to let it reap. He farted all over the damn room and at that time he was carrying me on his arm. Then he sneezed because of the smell, and he let me fall on my ass then boom my ass went off.
Friday : That’s fucked up.
Mercy : Luckily, he compensated me a large amount of money.
BlackMan : Then why didn’t you do a proper BBL.
Mercy : I used it for other stuff and repaired my ass.
Friday : So, you spent it on more hoe stuff.
Sam : Nigga shut up.
BlackMan : I bet you would have liked to steal Mercy’s ass.
Sam : Let me beat this nigga up. [Approaches BlackMan furiously]
Mercy : Stop it, both of you. My ass can longer take this noise you are causing.
Logic : Rev
Rev : My son.
Logic : Where are you rushing off too?
Rev : {I cannot let him know that I am going to sin}. I’m letting the holy spirit to determine my direction. Through him I cannot be lost. How about you?
Logic : No-Return asked me to meet him at Mercy’s house. She is not feeling well.
Rev : You see the holy spirit would not lead me astray. The Lord heard that his child needs my prayers and that is why he sat me on this course and made me meat you in this paramount time. Can I get an amen.
Logic : Amen! I guess we shall go together.
Rev : After you. {That was a close one}
[Knock on the door]
No-Return : The man for the job have arrived.
BlackMan : She is this way.
No-Return : What’s up girl. What happened?
Mercy : I think that the burst was cause by the sun.
No-Return : Let me check. Hey BlackMan, go to the left and pin her back down.
BlackMan : Got it.
No-Return : [Rubs her ass to find out what happened]. Bring me that scan.
Friday : The one that says Booty scanner?
No-Return : Yes. [Scans her butt]. Luckily it is not huge hole. Now bring me that glue gun.
[Rev and Logic arrive]
Logic : Hey man what’s going on?
No-Return : I need you to help me reattach her but.
Rev : Let me pray for her first. So the problem is located at her buns?
No-Return : Yes.
Rev : Okay, may you close your eyes, [Starts praying while touching Mercy’s butt]. {Damn this ass is fucked up}.
No-Return : So let’s get the procedure on. Logic give me the suction machine. [The procedure starts.]
So I’m first going to suck out the rubber from your ass. Rev can you pin her ass down?
Rev : No I am not touching that think.
No-Return : BlackSanta can you do it.
Sam : I am not BlackSanta, my name is Sam, but I will do it. [Holds Mercy’s ass and No-Return sucks it out. Mercy’s ass now looks like a deflated balloon.]
No-Return : Give me that balloon in my case.
Friday : Here you go. But it is an ordinary balloon?
No-Return : Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. [Insects the Balloon on the hole that they removed from previously]. Now BlackMan, take the pump and put air in the balloon. [BlackMan is pumping in the air]
BlackMan : Damn this shit is hard.
Friday : Let me try it. [They switch]
No-Return : What do you think about this size?
Mercy : Pump in some air a little more.
Friday : Whatever you say. [Continues pumping in air].
Mercy : What do you think Rev.
Rev : Young Lady you bless my eyes with your body.
Mercy : It is fine.
No-Return : My work is done.
[Car hooting outside of mercy’s house]
Mercy : On time. Now please leave I need to fix my self for a date. Thank you all. [ Shuts the door]
Sam : Another nigga outside
Friday : That’s how she rolls.
EPISODE 7
The Kota Job
[It is on a cold afternoon, and everyone is wearing bomber jackets in doors. Granny is preparing a hot soup.]
Granny : Okay the soup will be ready in a few minutes.
BlackMan : Granny makes the crazies soup.
Sam : Can’t wait.
Friday : Hey cousin Chris, you finally choice to visit again.
Cousin Chris : Yeah, but I wish I didn’t in this cold weather.
Friday : You know that Dingle Town has unpredictable weather. We experience all the four seasons throughout the week.
[Knock on the door]
Cousin Chris : Granny!
Granny : My boy. Look at you. You are all grown up.
Friday : Good day granny.
Granny : Hi my boy.
Sam : Who is he?
BlackMan : That’s cousin Chris. All he does is eat all day and doesn’t contribute anything towards food.
Granny : What are you doing here?
Cousin Chris : Can’t I just come to see my granny without any strings attached.
Granny : I know you.
Cousin Chris : Okay you got me. I just need a place to crash for a few days. I have a job interview around the area.
Granny : Look at you, finally starting to be responsible for your life. I am proud of you.
Cousin Chris : I am changing with the time.
Friday : My boy. I still can’t believe that lives here.
Sam : You have a problem with that. [Rubs her fists together].
Friday : Forget that I said anything. Sometimes my mouth just releases shit out of nowhere.
Sam : Do not be afraid to tell me if you need help to shut it up.
BlackMan : Look at him, going straight to the fridge.
Cousin Chris : [Opens the fridge while holding his bags]. Eish, it is giving me the chills. What are we eating today granny. I am starving.
Granny : I am making some soup. Make yourself at home and I’ll dish up.
Cousin Chris : [Opens the pot]. Hmm, it smells lovely. Okay granny let me unpack. [Unpacks his bags. Returns to the sitting room. Granny pours the hot soup]. You good man?
BlackMan : I’m straight. So, when you leaving?
Cousin Chris : You seem to forget that this is my grannies house too.
BlackMan : You just taking advantage of us.
Granny : Stop it boys. So, Chris, what kind of job have you applied for?
Cousin Chris : At the Dingle restaurant.
BlackMan : 100 bucks and he wouldn’t make it past the first day.
Friday : You on.
Granny : Stop it. Do not let them break your spirit.
Cousin Chris : Who’s this?
Granny : That is Sam, a new addition to the family.
Cousin Chris : So, she is the one that dad mentioned. They whipped your ass.
Sam : Nigga do not start it.
Friday : Yeah, they did. Even her ass was swollen. You know that granny doesn’t play.
Granny : Yeah, I beat that shit up, nah mean. Gave her the ones and twos, then had her in a chokehold, damn she was screaming like a little bitch.
Sam : I’m not a little bitch. I just couldn’t defend myself because I could have caused serious damage to you. And why we gotta bring this story up every day.
Granny : I’m just conveying to your cousin here on how it came for you to join the fam.
[The next day, Cris at his interview]
Store Manager : Today we are understaffed so you will have to go in the kitchen and work.
Cousin Chris : What about the interview?
Store manager : Consider it your interview, if you impress me then you can have a permanent position.
Cousin Chris : Okay, let me work my magic.
Store Manager : Start by preparing the orders.
[Takes all the ingredients to prepare a Kota.]
Cousin Chris : Ooh cheese, A little bite would not hurt the profit. Infect let me prepare myself a Kota.
Waiter/TK : Hey man where are the orders, nigga you are stuffing yourself with the customer’s order.
Cousin Chris : Nope, I made it specifically for myself.
Waiter/TK : Using the stores products?
Cousin Chris : Why would I bring ingredients from home while we have them here.
TK : Where is the customer’s order.
Cousin Chris : Nigga I can’t work on an empty stomach, let me finish eating, and I’ll prepare the order.
TK : You know what maybe we should switch. You’ll be the waiter.
[ They switch sides. TK prepares the order it gives it to Chris to give to the customer.
Cousin Chris : He is your order. It looks so good. I hope you won’t mind if a take a bite. [ Takes a bite]. Yummy, thank you for the taste.
Customer : Nigga you just did that. Nigga I didn’t give you permission to do that.
Cousin Chris : It looked too good to pass out.
Customer : I am no longer interested.
Store Manger : What’s going on here?
Cousin Chris : This customer just got angry suddenly.
Customer : Fuck you mean bra. This bitch ass nigga took a bite out of my food.
Cousin Chris : But I asked.
Store manger : I am sorry for that it will not happen again. Chris, you are fired.
Cousin Chris : Come on but I asked. They say ask and you shall receive. I asked and received, but it is fine I’ll leave. [Chris leaves].
[ Chris returns home]
Granny : How did it go?
Cousin Chris : I got fired.
Granny : On your first day.
Cousin Chris : What can I say granny, I am a fragile boy, I just must taste food that looks good.
BlackMan : I am 100 bucks richer. [Friday hands over the 100 bucks.] Thank you, my good sir.
Friday : You won.
BlackMan : I did win.
Sam : The day hasn’t even ended. The bitch is to weak.
[The following day]
Cousin Chris : Okay I am going back home. [Opens the fridge and takes food]
Granny : Okay my son. Take whatever you want.
Sam : Granny what will we eat. You better have not taken my stuff. Uh shit that nigga took my food.
Cousin Chris : Bye! [ Whole running]
Sam : Nigga, bring my shit. [Runs after him]
BlackMan : At least I made a quick buck. [Checks his pockets]. What the fuck. [Cousin Chris waves the 100 bucks. You dead! [Runs after him.]
Cousin Chris : You won it at my expense. Bye bitch ass nigga.
EPISODE 8
Promiscous Wife
It is in the evening and Marry is in an exquisite, short, revealing lingerie, ready to get dicked down.]
John : Hey honey you ready!
Marry : Oh! Yes John, give it to me.
John : Here come.
Marry : But we haven’t even started.
John : Stop with your jokes.
Marry : Come here papi… yes! yes! yes!
[The same routine happens in the following weeks]
John : Bay are you ready?
Marry : I am to tired.
John : Okay, I understand.
[The following week]
Marry : [On a phone call] Baby I can’t make it to dinner. I must work late.
John
: Come on baby. We have been rescheduling for the whole week. Are you cheating on me.
Marry : How dare you. How can you associate such a word with me.
John : You keep on rescheduling, we no longer fuck like we used to do, like you have changed towards me.
Marry : Stop being insecure, I told you that I am tired.
John : Whose making you tired if it is not me.
Marry : Hush boy! I’ll sleep at my mother’s place tonight. You better do a self-introspection.
John : Oh that how it is. You mean that you are going to your boyfriend’s place.
Marry : Fuck you, nigga. [ Hangs up the call]
[The following day. John goes to No=Returns shop.]
No-Return : If it is my special customer.
John : I need your help.
No-Return : You’ve come to the right place. Where all your wishes are granted in one place.
John : I need you to do some detective work for me.
No-Return : [Sneezes] Don’t say those kinds of words to me, I am allergic.
John : I need you to do some digging on my wife. I feel like she is cheating on me.
No-Return : What the fuck. I gave you one of the best dicks around, ain’t no way she gon go outside for some action.
John : Bra, she keeps saying she is tired whenever I want us to do the dead.
No-Return : The was be a good reason.
John : That’s why I need you to do some digging for me.
No-Return : Anything for my most loyal customer. I find out the truth for you.
John : I’d appreciate it.
No-Return : Okay I’ll organize a team.
[No-Return on a phone call]. Hey Jumbo, I got a job for you [pause] you are not available, come on nigga I need your help [Jumbo declines the job offer]. Okay men I’ll try skidlids. [No-Return’s request gets denied.] Guess I’ll have to ask those to boys and BlackSanta.
[At granny’s house and BlackMan, Friday and Sam are playing video games. Knock on the door.
BlackMan : Slide in.
No-Return : What’s up young niggas.
Sam : What it do?
No-Return : I need your help.
Friday : We ain’t getting involved in your schemes.
Sam : Yeah, what he said.
No-Return : I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need it.
BlackMan : Let’s hear him out.
No-Return : I need you to do some digging for me.
BlackMan : Nigga we are not a bunch of cops.
No-Return : [Sneezes]. Do not say that word in my presence I am allergic. I won that you do not have school going on in the current moment. Plus, BlackSanta has experience in this kind of stuff.
Sam : If I do it than you gotta stop calling me BlackSanta.
No-Return : Deal.
Friday : We didn’t agree.
Sam ; Don’t worry about this bitch ass niggas. They would just make my work a lot harder.
Friday : Fuck you mean! What do you want us to do.
No-Return : I want you to follow John’s wife Marry. Her husband thinks that she is cheating on him. So, I want you to bring me information.
Sam : Who’s that?
Friday : Sounds like you will some help.
No-Return : Here is her photo.
Sam : Alright. We’ll get right on it plus granny will be sleeping over at one of her jobs.
No-Return ; Dope shit. Holla at me once you are done.
[The following day and they prepare to go hunt for information. They all wear black clothes.]
Sam Ready?
BlackMan : Ready
Friday : Ready
Sam : Let’s roll out.
[The time is around 5 o’clock]
Friday : [In a building nearby]. Based on the intel, that is her workplace.
Sam : Yeah, I see her.
Friday : Let me confirm it. [Gives him the telescope]. Damn!
BlackMan : Nigga what!
Friday : Come take a look.
BlackMan : Damn! That’s a fat ass.
Sam : Boys will be dogs.
BlackMan : She is having a conversation with some nigga.
Friday : It is always the girls with the disrespect. These bitches ain’t loyal.
Sam : Nigga hush. Can’t you see that he is her boss. Check the clothes.
BlackMan : Damn she is sleeping with her boss.
Sam : Let’s not jump into conclusions. [She is moving].
Friday : Keep your eyes on her.
BlackMan : My pleasure. She seems to be heading to the parking lot.
Sam : Let’s get closer. [They head to the parking lot. Marry is about to enter her car, suddenly her boss comes from behind running towards her. Sam’ BlackMan and Friday are situated in the parking area, hiding behind a massive a small car.
BlackMan : Damn I knew. She is sleeping with her boss.
Friday : With that ass, I also would like to suffocate in it.
Sam : Nigga you are breathing down my neck.
BlackMan : How could I stop with this niggas head on top of me.
Marry : What is wrong?
Marry’s boss : You can’t leave just yet. I want you to do some work for me.
Marry : Come boss. It has been weeks now. I’ve been working overtime. I haven’t even satisfied my husband because I am always tired.
Marry’s boss : If you do not want the job to tell me, the is a lot of people waiting to jump at this opportunity.
Marry : It is fine, I’ll do it.
Marry’s boss : That’s my girl. Chow I am going home, my wife is waiting for me. [ Climbs into his car and drives off. Marry is the only available in the office working.
Sam : Damn! That’s fucked up.
BlackMan : Well at least she is not cheating.
Friday : Let us go and report it.
[Back at No-Returns store]
Sam : We got all the information.
No-Return : Summarize.
Sam : She is not cheating but being overworked.
No-Return : Well, here you go Sam. Go spoil your crew.
[No-Return informs John about his discoveries.]
John : Thanks. [ John goes to Marry’s occupation] Good afternoon. Can I see your boss.
Receptionist : Did you make an appointment?
John : I don’t need to. [John goes to the boss’s office]
Receptionist : Sir, you can’t go there.
John : Come out you bitch ass nigga.
Marry’s boss : What is this hooligan doing in my office.
Marry : John what are you doing here?
John : [With a right clean hook to the jaw.] Now listen to be. You will stop giving my wife extra work and on top of that give her a raise. And don’t even think about firing her cause you will become an ancestor.
Marry’s boss : Okay deal. [While crying] She can even get the rest week off.
John : She will get compensation.
Marry’s boss : Yes.
John : My nigga.
Marry : Oh baby, I love it when you take charge.
John : That is one of my pros.
Marry : I’m so turned on.
John : Like my car.
Marry : Yes, and you know once it is turned on it never stops.
John : Oh baby. Leave us alone in your office.
Marry’s boss : Here is the key.
Marry : Oh John, give it to me. [ And they end up smashing in the bosses of office.]
Receptionist : That’s loud.
Employee : What are you saying!
EPISODE 9
Spicy food
[It is in the afternoon and Sam, BlackMan and Friday are watching tv. A tv commercial gets on. Are you brave enough to take on this hot stuff, well I don’t believe you can. If you want to prove me wrong, then come to Dingle Restaurant and fire your inner soul with Hell Fire Kota. Only 30 bucks. Come now and refill your inner fire]
Friday : I can take that on.
Sam : With that huge head of yours. Nigga you’ll end up being an air balloon.
Friday : I am no bitch ass nigga.
BlackMan : Let’s all go then.
Friday : For real.
Sam : Oh, that bitch ass side of you has locked in.
Friday : Let’s go. How bad could it be.
[On the road, they cross paths with Logic]
Logic : Hey guys, where are you off to?
BlackMan : Dingle restaurant to try their new Hell Fire Kota.
Logic : I wouldn’t take a bite form that.
BlackMan : You sound like a bitch ass nigga now.
Sam : Yeah, bitch ass nigga syndrome seems to be an epidemic in this town.
Logic : I once saw granny take a bite of revive soul and it messed her up.
BlackMan : When?
Logi : Back in the years. She used to use crutches to walk around then she too a bite of that Kota and damn her legs got fully revived. She even ran a marathon that week and came in first place.
Friday : For real?
Sam : Come to think of it, I saw a marathon medal when I was BlackSanta.
BlackMan : I once heard that she used crutches to walk around. This explains her constant eating of spicy foods.
Sam : You really know everything. So, tell me one thing, this nigga here [ points at Friday] is he a bitch as nigga.
Logic : A bitch ass nigga with flying colors.
Friday : I’m not. I’ll eat the hole Kota to show you that I am not a bitch ass nigga.
Logic : Hopefully it burns that bitch ass nigga out of you.
Friday : Let’s go I’m ready.
Logic : Buy some milk before heading there because you will need it or else you will ask people to cut your tongue out.
BlackMan : I think we ca handle it.
[They depart away from Logic, and they enter Dingle restaurant.]
: This place is packed as fuck ad the is a lot of chaos.
[The rev approaches BlackMan like a crack head looking for his next fix.]
Rev : Nigga help me! I feel like I am in hell.
BlackMan : What is wrong with you.
Rev : [humming] ha…ha…ha…ha…ah…ah…ah…ah…ah. My tongue is burning. Please cut it out, the waiters refused to do it.
Sam : Logic said to drink milk to ease the pain.
Rev : Oh child, I have tried everything I can think of. I even washed my whole tongue… ha…ha…ha…ha…ha…hah with the toilet water.
Friday : Go to the strip club and suck on some pussy juice to calm down the burning.
Rev : Ha…ha…ha that is a good idea plus it has been a while since I have seen my lovely Destiny. I’m out.
BlackMan : He’s really going to do it. Poor Destiny’s coochie. He will evaporate that juice with his tongue.
Friday : He’ll burn all those deceases away.
Sam : You guys are stupid, you know that?
BlackMan : Birds of the same feather flock together.
Sam : What are you trying to say nigga?
BlackMan : You are also stupid.
Sam : Fuck you. Let’s go sit there.
Tk : Can I get you anything?
Sam : Give us three Hell Fire Kota’s.
TK : Firstly, you will have to sign a contract stating that Dingle Restaurant will not be held liable for any damages or loss that you might encounter.
Friday : Don’t i need a lawyer.
Sam [Yell’s “Pussy”]
Friday : Fuck it. Where should I sign.
TK : Thank you. Your Kota’s will be ready in a second.
Friday : But we should make this interesting.
Sam : Well, I will get to see what a pussy you are. That is the interesting thing I like to see.
[A group sexy waitresses wearing short skirts parade the Kota’s as they are being delivered to them.]
BlackMan : I have an idea. Whover is the loser, will have to parade as with the waitresses.
Friday : But that is degrading.
Sam : Listen to this bitch. Already admitting to defeat before taking a bite.
Friday : We are on. Whoever tries to calm down the heat will be the loser. Okay. Let’s go.
[They each take a bite of their Kota’s]
BlackMan : This shit at shit. [ They eat all their Kota’s. The burning sensation starts.]
Friday : Oh shit! I am burning somebody help me.
Sam : Ha…ha…ha, Pussy! [The whole crowd calls Friday a pussy]
Friday : I am a man. [ Suddenly he o longer sheds any tears]
Sam : Come on man just quit already.
BlackMan : I’ll quit if you give me some of that pussy juice of yours.
Sam : Nigga! [Sam face turns red]
BlackMan : Quit already. [BlackMan cries in an uncontrollable manner] I can’t take this anymore.
Friday : We shouldn’t lose to this bitch.
BlackMan : Nigga give me that milk. [Drinks the milk] It is not doing shit. [Runs outside and grads a handful of sand and rubs his mouth the sand.]
Sam : He lost. [ Rushes over to drink milk in an overwhelming manner].
Friday : Guess I won the challenge. This shit ain’t hot at all. I didn’t even get to drink the milk.
BlackMan : That was one motherfucker. I felt like ripping apart my tongue.
Sam : I can’t believe that he won.
Friday : Chili doesn’t do shit to me. Now that you both lost you gotta parade.
Sam : Yeah black. Go change.
BlackMan : For real. This is some bullshit.
Friday : It was your idea. Now deal with it.
[BlackMan goes to change his clothes] [Crowd yelling]
BlackMan : I can’t believe that I am doing this shit, but a deal is a deal. [Black man parades around Dingle Restaurant with a mini skirt. Even the bottom of his buttocks are showing. He shakes his waist as he his following the routine of Dingle Restaurant waitresses.]
Sam : You go boy! Now shake that ass. [Shake it, shake it, shake it, the crowd yells]
Friday : Damn nigga. I lost respect for you. I told you that are wasn’t a pussy. [Talking to Sam]
Sam : The chili was busy burning that shit in your mouth that it was unable to penetrate the tongue.
Friday : You are just a sore loser.
Sam : And you will always be a pussy ass nigga!
BlackMan : Fuck the both of you, niggas.
EPISODE 10
Granny’s stalker
[It is during the day and granny took her children, including Friday out to have a relaxing day at the Restaurant]
Granny : Now what do you want to eat?
BlackMan : What are we celebrating?
Granny : Your obedience. These days your manners have improved.
Friday : Okay, ill have the 15 bucks Kota that has cheese, Vienna and special garlic.
BlackMan : Don’t forget the egg.
Sam : Is it nice?
BlackMan : NICE? It is banging.
Sam : I’ll trust your judgement for once.
Granny : Okay. Waiter! We have finally decided we are going to have two 15 bucks Kota’s and one pork Kota.
BlackMan : Since when you eat pork granny.
Granny : Just watch the space fam. [The food is being broad. ] Sorry but this is not my order.
BlackMan : But granny we heard you order a Kota with…
Granny : Hush boy! I do not eat pork at all. Now why would I order something that has pork.
TK : But granny it is what you ordered. It is even on the order sheet.
Grany : So, you are calling me a liar? I used to baby sit you when your mother went to work. I would carry you behind my back because you couldn’t stop crying. I can’t believe it is you that is doing me like this. [Starts to cry]
TK : Sorry granny. It seems like I am the on e that made a mistake.
Granny : Yes, you did.
TK : Okay now allow to go change the order.
Granny : Leave it here. I will not allow you to throw food away. The you go my children free food.
TK : But granny it is the company’s policy to return the food.
Granny : We will eat this food. Now go prepare me the food that are ordered.
TK : Okay granny. [ Leaves the table without the food] Now that my children, that’s how you get free food.
Friday : Gangster granny.
Sam : You are one crazy bitch.
BlackMan : Watch your tone.
Granny : I guess I can let it slide this time. But I do feel like a crazy bitch.
Sam : You go girl.
TK : Here is your order.
Granny : Thank you, my child. Now you see how to hustle the hustler.
BlackMan : Damn. Who are you granny?
Granny : I also used to be a child. [Gives a little chuckle]
[As they are sitting the is a gentleman witnesses the argument transpire until the conclusion. Now the gentlemen was sitting alone having his lunch as he decided to leave his chair and he approaches granny at her table.]
The Gentlemen : I must say I haven’t witnessed such mastery of art in my life.
Granny : What?
The gentlemen : What you did the, oh, it was an astounding delivery of art. The way you handled the situation was amazing. I need a woman like you who isn’t afraid to call out people. I need a lady who speak out her thoughts for me because if it was me with the wrong order, I would keep my mouth shut and took what I have received.
Granny : It is rude to listen to other people’s conversations.
The gentlemen : My I be indulged in knowing your name.
Granny : I do not give my name to strangers.
The gentlemen : Pardon your rudeness. I name is Cray and you are.
Granny : I am Gran.
The gentlemen : I would love to take you out on a date someday.
BlackMan : Oh hell no. This nigga is hitting on our granny while we are watching.
Friday : This is unacceptable.
Sam : Leave granny alone, she also needs some love.
BlackMan : Nigga you are interrupting are lunch.
Granny : Well, you heard my boy.
Cray : My apologies. He is my card call me.
BlackMan : Can you believe this nigga. Nigga on granny while we are around.
Friday : Fuck that nigga.
Granny : Calm done boys and watch your tones.
Friday : Sorry granny. F that nigga.
Granny : Let’s go home.
[The next day granny is jogging around the town to keep herself healthy. Suddenly she hears someone calling her Gran. She turns around and she sees Cray also jogging.]
Cray : Hey gorgeous. I see you are keeping fit.
Granny : Excuse me sir, who are you?
Cray : I am Cray, we met at the restaurant the previous day.
Granny : Oh I see. How can I help you.
Cray : You didn’t call me yesterday.
Granny : I never said that I will call you.
Cray : Now why wouldn’t you call me?
Granny : I have no interest in you sir, now leave me alone.
Cray : I can never leave you alone. Only death can keep us apart. [ Then he runs off] I’ll get her. Nobody says no to me and gets away with it.
Granny : Iyo that man is crazy. [Continues with her jogging].
[It is at night and granny is preparing food. Cellphone rings]
Cray : Hey gorgeous.
Granny : Who is this?
Cray : I can smell the food all the way down here. It smells incredible. Such fine art is rare.
Granny : Where did you get my numbers?
Cray : You are asking the wrong questions. You should be asking when I’ll take you out for a date. Leave those pots and go out with me.
Granny : I will not. [Knock on the door] Who is it? [Granny goes to he door an finds a package].
Cray : Like my present
Granny : How do you know where are leave?
Cray : I am a man of many talents.
Granny : Fuck you nigga. Come here and receive this hands. [Granny takes the package and sets it on fire.] See the is your dress, it looks nice when it is o fire.
Cray : Bitch do you know how much that costs.
Granny : Oh I’ve hit a nerve.
Cray : I’ve lost my patience with you. Fuck you.
Granny : Fuck you too. Punk ass bitch, pussy ass nigga!
Cray : You will regret this. [Hangs up the phone]
[The night is at it’s peak and Sam and BlackMan are already asleep. Cray starts to crip into granny’s house. He opens the door while crutched down. The door opens and he sticks his face into the house to look around. The moment is heard sticks through, Cray becomes welcomed with a kick to his face.]
AH!
Granny : You messed with the wrong motherfucker tonight homie.
Cray : [With a broken nose] Okay, let’s do this. [ BlackMan and Sam jump out of their beds and run to the kitchen. They find granny and Cray engaged in a fight.
BlackMan : Not with my granny nigga. [ BlackMan does a superman punch on Cray’s forehead.]
Sam : It is my turn now. [Spinning kick on Cray’s neck]
Granny : Oh, you learned that from me.
Sam : Yes granny?
Granny : Now that’s my girl. I will never lose to a whiteboy now get up it is my turn.
Cray : It is not over yet. [Cray gets up]
Granny : Well, it is now. [Spear to Cray once he stands up straight. Granny ends up on top of Cray’s torso.]. I told you that you messed with the wrong bitch today. [ Granny plays with Cray’s head. All the punches land on his face.
BlackMan : Granny let me have a piece of him.
Sam : Yes granny. I want a taste.
Granny : No, he is mine alone. I want to teach him how to take care on a lady.
BlackMan : Beat him up.
Sam : Renovate his face.
Granny : Let me see how much you have. Only 5K. This will be payment for making me move like these.
[The police arrive at granny’s house]
Policeman : We have been looking for this man for a long time. He is a dangerous man.
Granny : Nothing we couldn’t handle.
BlackMan : Dangerous! Nigga, that nigga was too much of a pussy.
Policeman : Take care granny. [Looks at Cray]. Damn you got fucked up by an old lady. You truly are a pussy ass nigga.
Cray : You will pay for this. [ He is taken with a stretcher as he could no longer walk now. AH! You’re hurting me.
Granny : Bye pussy ass nigga and thank you for the 5K. How thoughtful of you.
EPISODE 11
The Vacation
Granny : Wake up.
BlackMan : So early in the morning. Are we going back to school?
Granny : No, call Friday, we are going out on a vacation.
BlackMan : Say less granny. [Grabs the phone.]
Friday : [Cellphone rings] Who the fuck calls at this time of the day. [Picks up the phone]. Nigga you better have a good reason for this call, or I’ll hit you with lightning.
BlackMan : Wake up, granny says we are going somewhere.
Friday : Tell her that I will not partake in the witchcraft practices.
BlackMan : Fuck you, nigga. We are going out on a vacation. Granny says you should be ready around 8 o’clock. We will come pick you up at your house.
Friday : Nuh. I’ll come the. You, niggas do not respect time.
BlackMan : Suit yourself. [Hangs up the phone] Granny he says that he will come here.
Granny : Okay. Wake up Sam.
Sam : What is wrong granny?
Grany : Nothing, we are just going out on a vacation. Fix yourself up.
Sam : You must be loaded.
Granny : This is the money that I took from that guy yesterday. He thought it would be best if I go out and outwind my mind with my lovely three kids.
Sam : Three kids? Who are they.
Granny : Do not be silly my child, it is you Friday and BlackMan. Now get ready we are leaving in one hour.
Sam : Okay granny.
Friday : The main guy has arrived.
BlackMan : So fast, did you even bath.
Friday : Two minutes is enough for me.
Sam : Mr. two-minute noodles.
Friday : Fuck you!
[They arrive at the resort, and they get settled in]
BlackMan : But granny this place is for old people.
Granny : This is what I could get for five thousand. Now I am going to conversate with other people. Make yourself at home.
BlackMan : This looks like a retirement home.
Friday : It is to late to go back.
Sam : She did us dirty. Let’s go gamble against this fossil. It will be the easiest money we can make.
Friday : I’ll follow your lead.
Sam : Your grams can we slide in for a round.
Joe : Sure. Take a sit. We are playing teams.
Sam : It is not an issue. Yoh Friday come and play.
Friday : Sure
Joe : You think you can beat us. We’ve been playing this game since we were kids. [Joe is shuffling the cards and hands them out.
Sam : I’ll start. THREE
Joe : Ten [They play the entire game and Sam and Friday lose.
Friday : Nah Sam you suck, give BlackMan a chance to play.
Sam : Fine come play.
BlackMan : So did you get their room numbers?
Sam : Got them I’ll go loot some booze.
BlackMan : Alright it is now turn now.
Sam : [Upstairs] Room 306, bam. Any tin. Ain’t no way these old farts got no stash in here. [Continues searching other rooms but finds nothing.] [Returns downstairs]. Nigga this place doesn’t have any booze or either they can hide real good.
BlackMan : Shit. [They lose the game yet again.]
[They are chilling alongside a pool and San is swimming.
Friday : Those niggas hustled us.
Sam : How could you lose to a bunch of old people.
BlackMan : With age comes wisdom.
Friday : My nigga with them quotes.
BlackMan : I’m aging like wine my nigga.
Sam : You both can’t swim?
BlackMan : A black man doesn’t swim.
Friday : A nigga and water do not mix.
Sam : Where’s granny?
Friday : Out getting some massage. She is pampered.
BlackMan : Hey guys isn’t that Joe sneaking out in the middle of the night. Damn that’s him. Holy shit.
Friday : Let’s follow him.
[They follow Joe]
Joe : Now that is enough. Come out.
BlackMan : How did you see us.
Joe : With that big ass head, it is visible to anyone. Now tell me what you want.
Sam : What do you do for fun here.
Joe : Follow me. [They arrive in a room in the full of all people getting it down.] Here is some booze, drink till you can no longer.
BlackMan : My nigga. [They drink shot to shot, bottle to bottle.] Yeah, let’s party.
Friday : Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. Yes! This old people party hard.
Sam : I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am having fun.
Friday : These motherfuckers are wild. [Some old guy slides through the flow like superman flying.] Damn I said to soon.
Sam : Isn’t that granny on the stripping poll?
Friday : What the fuck.
BlackMan : If anyone touches her, then they are dead.
Friday : Agreed
Sam : Looking forward to it.
BlackMan : Now let’s party! Some random granny twerking for BlackMan]. Oh god. Crowd goes wild [Grab it! Grab it! Grab it! Grab it!] God forgive me for these. [BlackMan grabs the ass ad the crowd goes wild.]
Sam : Shit! [In disbelieve and disgust.]
Friday : Holy shit! [In disbelieve and disgust.]
BlackMan : Ya’ll better not bring these up tomorrow or forever.
Friday : I won’t cause I’d like to believe that it didn’t happen.
Sam : It never happened.
[In the morning and everyone has a hangover including granny. She is even wearing sunglasses in the house.]
Granny : What made you tired?
BlackMan : We swam all-night.
Sam : And why are you wearing sunglasses in the room.
Granny : I just felt like it. {Likely they did not see me partying yesterday. But I was a bad bitch yesterday.}
EPISODE 12
THE V (Quarantine)
[It is on a dark rainy day as granny and her children return from their vacation at the retirement home.]
Sam : [Throws herself on the couch] The is no place like home. Finally, I can relax properly.
Friday : Granny can I have a umbrella so that I could go home.
Granny : Do not be silly. You are already home, and it is late. Your father will understand.
Friday : Thought you would never say it.
Granny : You will share the room with BlackMan.
Friday : Guess we will be roommates, the is no masturbating for you today blood. What is wrong with your hand?
Sam : That’s nasty. At your age dawg.
BlackMan : I don’t know bra. It is just itchy.
Friday : You better not infect me with your disease.
BlackMan : I won’t. Let’s shake hands on it.
Friday : My man. [ Approaches to shake his hand]. AH! Fuck you, nigga. [ They do not shake hands].
Sam : Can’t believe you nearly fell for it. You just become dumb by every second.
Friday : Fuck you, nigga.
[They all proceed to go to their respective rooms]
[It is early in the morning and Friday wakes up to prepare for his leave]
Damn I gotta leave. I am not even bathing. Water is a man’s worst enemy as my dad said.
BlackMan : [Waking up from his sleep.] Hey man. Leaving already?
Friday : Yeah. I am home sick. [BlackMan rubs his eyes as Friday realise a hand that is as huge as Hulk’s hand. The hand is red, swollen and covered with multiple pimples.] Oh shit! What the fuck is wrong with your hand?
BlackMan : [While crying] Holy shit! Nigga I am dying. Tell my fans that I fought death, and I couldn’t defeat it.
Friday : Fans?
BlackMan : [Stops crying] I got fans. All the school kids, or did you forget that I am a hero.
Friday : Oh, shit I forgot.
BlackMan : [Continues crying] Don’t worry about me, keep living for us. [Acts like he is dead]
Sam : So much commotion in the morning?
BlackMan : Can’t you see that I am dying.
Sam : [BlackMan’s hand catches Sam’s attention] Oh, shit! Nigga you are dying.
BlackMan : I told you. [The crying continues] But I don’t wanna die, please help me.
Logic : [Knocks on the door] Good morning granny. Open it is Logic.
Granny : You can on the right time.
Logic : I heard noises so I thought I should come and check.at is wrong.
Granny : It is BlackMan. I also do not know what is wrong. What is going on here.
BlackMan : Granny I am dying.
Granny : Stop being stupid boy. [BlackMan shows them his hand] Damn boy, what the fuck is that?
BlackMan : Granny you are cursing.
Granny : I asked you a question nigga.
Logic : Oh, I see what it is. The boy suffers from The V. Basically, he touched an older person’s ass.
Granny : What did you do boy.
BlackMan : Remember that we went to the retirement home and the was a party.
Granny : What party?
BlackMan : The party where you were busy on the stripping poll.
Granny : [In disbelieve] It wasn’t me.
BlackMan : Granny it was.
Granny : I said it wasn’t me. Did you talk to me.
BlackMan : I didn’t.
Granny : Then how could you say that it was me. You better not bring this topic up again. [Lying through her false teeth.]
BlackMan : Yes, it wasn’t you.
Granny : So how did you catch THE V?
BlackMan : Some random granny was twerking towards me, and the crowd requested that I tap her ass and I did. I am ashamed of what I did. Lord, take me away, I have done a huge sin.
Granny : Shut up. [Looks at Logic] How could you help him.
Logic : Firstly, do not touch him because it is contagious. [People back away from him] We will have to perform a ritual. Collect four belts, wooden spoons and pots. I would be grateful if you bring frying pans.
BlackMan : What will you be cooking.
Logic : Believe me they will be cooking alright. All I ca tell you is that what we will be cooking will ed up red. Let’s do the preparations. BlackMan stay here while we are going to prepare. [They leave the room]
Granny : Do you think it will work?
Logic : Have no fear granny, I used to be a doctor. Before I forget you need to wear grannies clothes.
Sam : Why?
Logic : The ritual is performed by grannies you will have to imitate old people.
Granny : Where did you graduate?
Logic : Not that one but do not worry about that.
Friday : The things we do for friendship. [Changes into granny clothes]
Logic : Now the is only one thig left.
Sam : Which is?
Logic : Someone will have to knock out BlackMan.
Sam : I’ll do it.
Logic : From the moment that I open the door, strike him with all your might. Take this glove so that the disease doesn’t spread. [Opens the door]
BlackMan : That was quick. What did you co… [Sam immediately strikes and BlackMan goes down]
Sam : You talk too much bitch. [They tie BlackMan to the bed.]
Logic : We stat with wooden. [He distributes the wooden spoons to everyone] Take position. [They each go to the opposite side of the bed in a square shape.] Strike!
BlackMan : What the fuck. Granny I am being bewitched [Waking up from his unconsciousness to find four grannies around his bed.] Shit.
Granny : You are busy touching older people’s properties. [Says it repeatedly while striking him]
BlackMan : Granny I am sorry. I will not do it again.
Logic : Switch to belts!
BlackMan : Belts!
Friday : I am sorry man, but this is too good to stop [ All the belts lad on his body.]
Sam : This is fire.
Logic : Switch to frying pans.
Sam : Say less.
BlackMan : Nigga I have learned my lesson. [ The frying pans collide on BlackMan’s body util he passed out. Suddenly the is tranquility.]
Logic : [Checks his pulse.] We might have overdone it a bit. But at least his hand his now normal.
Friday : Don’t tell me that he is dead. Oh, shit I killed my bro.
Logic : He gotta get rid of the body.
Sam : I ain’t going to jail for your dump advice. Come to think of it I liked the guy.
Granny : My child is not dead. I have beaten his to his limits. This is nothing.
BlackMan : Tell them granny.
Sam : Ghost!
Logic : I was just playing. He only passed out.
Sam : Nigga don’t play like that.
BlackMan : I heard what you said.
Sam : What did I say?
BlackMan : That you liked me.
Sam : [Knocks him out again] He heard to much. Let’s throw him at the dump field.
EPISODE 13
Flying Machie
[Granny ad the Rev are sitting outside under the tree on the lawn while Sam is serving them coffee.]
Rev : This coffee tastes different to the ones have tried. Hope you didn’t put poison in it.
Sam : I would use my hands to finish you.
Granny : She prepares it in a special way.
Rev : Well, you have outdone yourself my child. [An airplane passes by, and the sound is loud] BlackMan and Friday come out running to see the direction the plain is flying.] Before I forget. On Sunday we will be welcoming a newborn baby from the Saga family.
Granny : How lovely. I should go visit them and see the cuteness of the child. I remember the day we had my daughter had BlackMan here. He was a beautiful child but now he just gives me a headache.
BlackMan : [Stumbles on the conversion as he hears his name being mentioned.] But granny I am a good boy. I still respect you.
Granny : You hear him, he must always have an opinion. Always eavesdropping on my conversions with other people. As I was saying before being interrupted. He was a cute little boy. Everyone couldn’t keep their hands away from him.
Friday : You truly are grannies’ child.
Sam : What happened on the day that he was born?
Rev : Granny, tell us.
Granny : Since you insist, I’ll tell you. [They all sit down and listen to granny] His father tainted the flower that was in my garden. I still hate him for that.
BlackMan : Granny you are embarrassing me.
Granny : This people want to know, and I am keen to telling them. It was about to be midnight when his mother had stomach cramps and then bam, the water broke. We had to rush to the hospital and the town was dark at the time. The was no electricity and the clouds were also duck resulting in no light from the moon.
[The night of the birth and BlackMan’s mother is heading to the kitchen in the middle of the dark.]
Granny : [Hears sound in the house.] Who is it, I have a gun and I will not hesitate to shoot.
Lucy : Wait mom it is me.
Granny : Where are you off to?
Lucy : I am going to prepare some food. I am craving something.
Granny : You must take it easy. I will prepare it for you.
Lucy : You won’t be able to perfect it. Remember that I have a craving.
Granny : Okay, I’ll be in my room if you need anything.
Lucy : Thank you, mom.
Granny : The is no power so you better take the solar light ad prepare using the gas stove.
Lucy : This power cuts are killing us. [ Switches on the guess stove I’m prepares her meal] Oh you are kicking too hard now. You will make my belly burst. Do not worry mommy is preparing some food. [The baby stops kicking]
Granny : What is that smell. Lucy the house is burning, run outside. I don’t to die without seeing my grandson.
Lucy : Stop overacting mom. It is just food that is burning.
Granny : Then take it off the stove. [Approaches the stove]
Lucy : Mom stop, I want burnt food. I’ve been craving it.
Granny : This is why when I always comeback from work I smell burnt food in the house.
Lucy : Yes.
Granny : That’s some fucked up shit.
Lucy : This is the hardest thing, you can eat. I am enjoying it and the baby gets whatever he wants. [Takes her burn food and eats it.]
Granny : [Clamps her hands once and loudly in disbelieve, with the thought that she has seen it all]. Jesus! [Goes back to bed. 30 minutes into her sleep and Lucy is calling for help]
Lucy : Mom! Mom!
Granny : What? [Lucy looks down] Shit! [Lucy’s water broke] Let’s go.
Lucy : Mom! We can’t leave without the bag.
Granny : Try to make it to the car as I fetch the bag.
Lucy : Ah! Mom hurry up.
Granny : I am! [They travel to the hospital. Lucy is already in labor]
Doctor : Okay Lucy, I want you to look at me and take DEEP breaths [ Lucy takes her breaths.] Now Push!
Lucy : Ahhhhhhh!
Doctor : Push.
Lucy : Ahhhhhhh!
Doctor : I can’t pull his out with his heard.
Granny : What do you mean doc.
Doctor : I can’t see him. I’ll try to search for his noise. [Searches for the babies noise and finally finds it.] There we go.
Granny : Will it work?
Doctor : It has to. Now ush! [Grabs the baby by the noise and pulls him out] He is out. [Baby crying. Gets shocked]
Lucy : Doctor what is wrong? [ The doctor hands over the baby to Lucy]
Granny : That is one black ass child you got there.
Lucy : What a lovely noise.
Granny : That’s the only thing that you find weird. Unbelievable.
Doctor : It is due to the fact that I had to pull him out with it.
Lucy : No matter what, I’ll always love him. My treasure. I will treasure you for as long as I live and also in death.
Doctor : I kept quiet because I wanted to remain professional, but I never seen a baby that is this black. All babies come out light skinned but this one.
Lucy : My baby boy.
Doctor : I am going to run some few tests to check the reason. I suggest that you get some rest.
[The doctor returns with the test results]
Granny : What do the results say?
Doctor : Everything is fine. So, tell me here Lucy. Did you eat a lot of dark food?
Lucy : I think so.
Granny : I found her eating burnt food saying she is craving it.
Doctor : That explains everything. The baby should be fine, and you can take him home.
Lucy : Thank you, doc.
[Back to the present after reminiscing about BlackMan’s birth]
Sam : His mom ate burned food. No wonder why you are so dark.
Friday : People used to ask how it was possible for me to be able to cloth my shadow.
Granny : Stop teasing the boy. His blackness has reduced compared to when he was younger.
Rev : And the noise is because they pulled him with it.
Granny : That’s not true. I came by a flying machine. My mum heard the sound of a flying machine and looked upwards. I was falling and then she caught me. My mum is still a virgin. She is Marry and she is waiting for God to bless her temple with Jesus.
Sam : And you believed it.
BlackMan : Of course, that is why we always look up when we hear a flying machine. I will never accept the fact that some nigga banged my mom.
Granny : Believe what you want but deep down you know the truth.
BlackMan : Fuck you all.
EPISODE 14
Church Day
[Granny is at her house and singing church song while is her gorgeous, classy dress and a hat]
Granny : [Singing] The lord is my shepherd. I shall fear no evil because Jesus is my shelter. Where are those kids. Make it quick you two.
BlackMan : Do we really have to go. [While wearing his belt]
Sam : Granny, go alone since we are dragging you down.
Granny : We are all going to church together. We will enter as the united front we are. Look how good you look. We need to rock up at that church and parade our beauty.
BlackMan : You do look good.
Granny : I always look good but today I want to show Grace what beauty is.
Sam : Who is Grace?
BlackMan : An old friend of granny. Apparently, their rivalry started when they were getting out of age. Grace wanted the old Man on that photo. [Points at a photo in the house]
Sam : Who’s that nigga?
BlackMan : My late grumpy granddad. They say he used to be a charmer and that Grace wanted her but failed as he chose to date granny. So now she is still mad at her.
Sam : Truly old people used to be young.
BlackMan : They are best friends, but they do not want to admit it. They are just using that feud as a cover up.
Granny : Where is Friday.
BlackMan : Probably at home watching TV.
Granny : TV on a Sunday. Call him and tell him to prepare himself. His father is not doing a good job with him.
BlackMan : You can’t escape granny. [Cellphone rings]
Friday : My nigga. What’s up?
Granny : Give me that phone. What are you doing?
Friday : Good day granny.
Granny : Stop whatever you are doing and prepare yourself because we are going to church.
Friday : I am currently occupied.
Granny : You have fifteen minutes to get ready and id you don’t I’ll go kung-fu bitch on you. [ Hangs up the phone.] Can you believe this child. Saying he is too busy to go to church. He doesn’t know me well. If I find out that he is not prepared, then he will get to know me. Let’s go.
[They arrive at Friday’s house. Knock on the door]
Friday : I am coming. Hi granny. [Granny sees that Friday has not prepared to go to church]
Granny : The disrespect. [Upper cut and somehow Friday was now clean and ready to go to church.]
Friday : I am ready. [He is even holding a bible.
Granny : Let’s go my child.
[The arrive at the church]
Sam : Damn this church is full of old people. We are the only young ones available.
BlackMan : Story of my life.
Granny : No way. She is wearing the same dress as me.
Grace : Hello Ela. [ Referring to granny]
Sam : Your name is Ela. That’s a white person’s name.
Friday : You never told me grannie’s name.
BlackMan : Believe it or not but it is my first time hearing it.
Grace : I see you are taking tips from me on how to dress.
Granny : I am the one who introduced you to the shop.
BlackMan : See I told you. Best friends.
Granny : That dress looks beautiful but unfortunately it is worn by a frog.
Friday : Can’t believe I was going to miss out on this.
BlackMan : She is one crazy bitch.
Rev : Welcome sisters.
Granny : Good day pastor.
Rev : What a lovely day to praise the lord. You even brought the young ones.
Grace : Mine give me trouble. It is hide to male them to come to church.
Granny : You must suck at persuasion.
Rev : This talk seems to be getting intense. May we please enter the inside and praise the lord.
Granny : Amen
Grace : You never change Ela. One of these days you will pay for it.
BlackMan : I know that ass.
Friday : That’s definitely Mercy.
Sam : I didn’t know that hoes also g to church.
BlackMan : This is where she finds her clientele. Most of these married niggas in church have had a piece of her pie.
Friday : Better watch out that they do not come to you. [Looking at Sam]
Sam : I wouldn’t entertain them.
Granny : Church is about to start, come take your sits.
BlackMan : We will sit at the back.
Granny : You are sitting right next to me.
[Summon starts]
Rev : [In a preaching voice] The word of the Lord says that a had that gives shall be blessed. Before you go home today I want you to dig deep, deep in your pockets into your pockets and give a little into our church basket to help the church grow and to feed me your pastor.
[Amen pastor. People search their pockets]
No one will leave without donating. Can I get a song? [The congress sings and dances. Rev goes around the church collecting collection money.] Come on sister, this is too little. Search deeper. Give me that hundred and keep the 10 bucks. [But I want to use it.] I need it more. Now God bless you. [Continues singing as he collects]
BlackMan : I do not have any money.
Rev : Okay. Granny can you please donate on behalf of your children. The minimum will be R400.
Granny : Let me see.
Sam : Hold up. We pay to attend your church?
Rev : I don’t see it as payment but donation towards my preaching and making sure people get blessed.
Friday : You are one hustler man.
BlackMan : You just reaping our grannies off.
Rev : I am also trying to eat my boy. Thank you, granny. You may leave now.
[Back at home]
BlackMan : Granny how could you let that nigga take all your money.
Granny : It was a donation.
Sam : A forced donation. That is stealing.
Granny : A hand that gives gets blessed more than the hand that receives.
BlackMan : He preaches the same thing every day. I am no longer going to church.
Sam : I am with BlackMan on this. That nigga is not qualified to be a Reverand.
Granny : Will you stop saying bad things about him I say you can stay home on Sundays.
Friday : Deal.
Granny : Destroying Gods worker so that you can skip church you should be ashamed.
[Meanwhile Rev took the churches money to play a game of dice.]
Rev : Damn I lost all the churches money. Listen here boys you will give me all your money, or I’ll call the cops and report you. Don’t think about running cause I took a picture of you before I joined you.
Diceman : Come on Rev you lost.
Rev : I never lose now give me my money back or I call the police.
Diceman : Okay here you go.
Rev : Thank you, now I can go see my lovely Destiny.
EPISODE 15
Grannie’s part time job
Granny : Wake up. [Shakes BlackMan]
BlackMan : What’s wrong granny. Does anyone need a beat down.
Granny : I’ll be going away for a little bit. It shouldn’t be more than a week.
BlackMan : You could have just left a message and we would know.
Granny : Then I wouldn’t be able to kiss you goodbye. [ Kisses hm on the chick.
BlackMan : You can’t do that anymore. I am a grown up now. You should shake my hand and be on your way.
Granny : You will become a grown up when I am dead and that will not happen anytime soon.
[Goes to Sam’s room] You are already awake.
Sam : I am always ready for anything. And bother about saying anything I heard it all.
Granny : Goodbye then. You better not do anything silly. I am leaving you in charge of the house. [Kisses her Goodbye]
Sam : [In her thoughts] What a loving lady.
Grace : Hurry up I ain’t got all day.
Granny : Shut up.
Grace : You know how much petrol cost?
Granny : I know. You are the one that chose to drive.
[They drive off]
BlackMan : [ Goes to Sam’s room] The she goes.
Sam : I’m not gonna miss her for this couple of days.
BlackMan : Smell that.
Sam : I do, your breath stinks.
BlackMan : I know but I’m not talking about that. I smell peace and freedom. A young nigga will relax.
[Meanwhile in the car]
Granny : You are driving like an old lady. Step on it.
Grace : My car my rules.
Granny : This driving of yours will cost us time.
Grace : I am not one of your grandchildren that you could boss around.
Granny : You are one stubborn bitch. No wonder your grand children never listen to you.
Grace : My grandchildren are the sweetest. They are to die for. You are always on the move cleaning up their mistakes.
Granny : That’s why I still look hot. They keep me occupied.
Grace : You look hot?
Granny : I had someone go crazy over me.
Grace : I heard that. That old ass nigga. I like young people.
Granny : But I haven’t seen you with any of them.
Grace : I’m just looking out for my kids. They wouldn’t like the fact that I am dating their peers. So, I just turn them down at the spot.
Granny : With those wrinkles of yours and your broke ass.
[They arrive at their destination.]
Grace : What’s the plan?
Granny : This area has had a lot of break ins, now we are hired to be undercover maids and catch the culprits.
Grace : So we do it like usual.
Granny : Yeah, we kick some ass.
Grace : With that old body of yours. I feel like you gonna drag me down.
Granny : You are the old hag. How about we stretch our bones before we get started.
Grace : I would never throw away the chance to beat you down.
Granny : Do not worry I’ll take it easy on you. I can see you are one leg into heaven.
[Grace throws a fist, but granny catches it and she returns the gesture with a kick aimed at the neck and grace blocks it. They exchange a few blows.
Grace : You still got a few tricks for an old hag.
[The fight ends as a stale mate]
Granny : That was not bad, but I could’ve wanted a better sparring partner.
[They prepare themselves for the thief’s]
Granny : Would you like some tea?
Grace : Tea would be nice.
Granny : You think that they would attack today?
Grace : I do not know. Just keep your gut up
[The next day in the morning. Granny and grace are cleaning the house. The thieves appear]
Thief 1 : The is someone I the house. I am going back.
Thief 2 : Come on nigga. It is a bunch of grannies cleaning.
Thief 3 : You scared of a few grannies.
Thief 1 : I don’t want to be strike by lighting.
Thief 2 Nigga if you leave, we will think that you are a snitch.
Thief 4 : And snitches get stiches.
Thief 1 : Okay, fine let’s do it.
Thief 2 : Every stop what you are doing.
Granny : Who is you? I can’t see you properly.
Grace : THEY GOT A GUN.
Thief 1 : Hands up.
Granny : This bones of mine cannot go up.
Thief 1 : Never mind.
Grace : What a good boy. Your granny should be proud.
Thief 1 : Nigga don’t listen to these old hags.
Granny : Did he just call us old hags?
Grace : Oh, he did. He needs to be taught some manners.
Granny : That’s my line.
Grace : Well, I said it first.
Thief 2 : Shut up.
Thief 4 : Let’s kill them.
Thief 3 : I got your bag.
Thief 2 : We gotta ask them questions first.
Thief 1 : Granny’s where do this people keep their money?
Granny : Well, my child we are just employees we do not know anything about money.
Grace : If we knew the was money in here then we wouldn’t be cleaning. We’d be somewhere spending it.
Thief 1 : Well, you heard them let’s go.
Thief 2 : Shut up nigga. Let’s just ice them.
Granny : I got these ones on the left.
Thief 3 : What I they saying?
Grace : Let’s not waste time.
[Granny grabs thief 2 by the neck and she throws away the gun. And the fight starts]
Thief 2 : [Grabbed by the ear.] Or granny I am sorry we will not doit again.
Thief 4 : Forgive us grannies.
Grace : But I thought that you wanted to kill us.
Thief 3 : It was a slip of tongue sorry.
Granny : The cops have arrived. Our work here is done.
[They tie them up quickly and then they leave]
Grace : What a nice work out.
Granny : I really enjoy working with you. You just bring out the worst in me.
Grace : The feeling is mutual.
Granny : We finished the job quickly how about we go break a leg.
Grace : And the massage to relief some tension o the body.
Granny : Cheers [With tea]
EPISODE 16
Unwanted guest
[It is the evening and granny has a distorted knock on her door]
Granny : BlackMan get the door I’m trying to sleep.
BlackMan : Sam granny says you should get the door.
Sam : She asked you.
Random guy : Thanks for opening the door.
BlackMan : Granny the is a nigga out here with his bags on our door.
Granny : Who is waking us up on this time.
BlackMan : Rev, where did you come from?
Granny : Is that Rev
Rev : Oh, granny I am so happy you opened the door for me. This is my nephew, and he came to visit me for a few days. Now the problem is that he did not alert me, and I will not be around. I am going to a pastor’s family meeting. So, I would like you to take him in for a few days until I return.
Granny : No worries we will take care of him.
Rev : Thank you. Take care Jay.
Sam : Who’s this nigga?
BlackMan : I have no clue.
Granny : You can have the couch there. Sam, give him some blankets.
[It is in the around 2 am and jay prepares food.]
Jay : A young nigga hungry. I need food.
Granny : Something is burning. [Granny yells while in her room] Kids the house is burning wake up.
Sam : Shit, teddy let’s leave.
BlackMan : This house ain’t burning. Nigga what you are doing.
Jay : I’m making some food na mean. A young boy hungry.
Granny : W e assumed that you ate. Finish up and go to sleep.
BlackMan : You sleep with a teddy bear.
Sam : No. I just didn’t want it to burn.
Granny : This nigga is still sleeping. What! [The kitchen traumatized grannies’ eyes.]
Sam : That ain’t me.
BlackMan : Don’t look at me I just woke up.
Granny : If it is not, you then who. [They look at Jay]
BlackMan : We are out of food.
Sam : What do you mean. Granny the fridge is somehow empty.
BlackMan : The nigga eats.
Jay : Good morning. [Wear’s his t-shirt and goes outside.]
BlackMan : He gotta go.
Sam : Is that the gate opening. He left.
Granny : Clean up, I’ll fix him up.
[A several hours pass by and Jay come back]
Jay : What’s up granny
Granny : I need to talk to you.
Jay : I can’t right now I need to take a shower first. We’ll talk later. [Makes something to eat quickly before taking a shower.
BlackMan : What we gon eat?
Sam : That motherfucker finished all the food. Ad he ate my yoghurt. I want it.
[Jay finished cleaning himself up]
Granny : Come sit here.
Jay : I can’t right now I got people waiting for me. Catch you later. [ He goes out]
Granny : BlackMan come here. Go buy a bread.
[It is pitch black outside. So dark you can’t even see the person next to you. Jay returns to grannies house being driven by his friends.
Jay : Knock, knock. Granny please open up for me.
Sam : Nigga you are causing a ruckus.
Jay : Im so sorry. [Goes straight to the fridge] Where’s my food.
Sam : You ate it all during the day.
Jay : No need to yell.
Sam : You are the one yelling.
Jay : Shhhh, people are trying to sleep. [Passes out on the couch] Lower the TV down.
Granny : I can’t hear you, the tv is too loud.
Jay : Oh my head. I had to much to drink yesterday. What’s for breakfast?
Granny : I can’t hear you, the tv is too loud.
Jay : Goes to the kitchen.
BlackMan : Fun night?
Jay : Yeah it was wild. You should have joined us.
BlackMan : You didn’t ask
Jay : What’s for breakfast?
Sam : Bread and starch water.
Jay : What?
Sam : You finished all the food yesterday.
BlackMan : You eat like you are eating for a soccer team and their rivals.
Jay : But Bread and starch water.
Sam : Swallow your pride and it some food. Next you will refrain from finish the whole supply of food.
Jay : I’ll go buy some eggs.
Granny : Disconnect electricity and hide the gas bottle
Jay : [Returns] Time to eat.
Sam : Dammit I the power just ran out.
Jay : But granny was watching TV not so long ago.
Sam : Sorry if only you didn’t leave the stove running yesterday. Or what to do.
BlackMan : And the gas stove needs to be refilled.
Jay : Guess I got no choice but to eat that stuff.
[Sam and BlackMan chilling outside]
BlackMan : He really ate it.
Sam : It is either you swallow your pride and eat or suffer with hunger.
Jay : Uh! [Shivering] How do I access hot water in the shower.
BlackMan : No more hot water. The water is only available for three people.
Jay : Let me call my nigga, maybe he can hook me up with a hot shower. Dammit, it has no power.
Sam : That’s a pity.
Jay : And I do not know them by head. When will you buy electricity?
BlackMan : Next month when granny receives her pension.
Jay : I can’t take this anymore.
Sam : But it just begun.
[The cycle continues for a few days]
Jay : I’m going back home. You’ll tell my uncle that I had to cut my visit shortly. Granny I’m leaving.
Granny : Why so quickly my son.
Jay : I just missed home.
Granny : Well don’t be a stranger. Take care.
BlackMan : Finally.
Granny : Turn the power back on and go buy steak and we shall braai it.
Sam : Meat. Say no more.
EPISODE 17
Going to the supermarket
Granny : What’s for breakfast?
BlackMan : The fridge is filled with water. We are out of food.
Sam : I can’t function clearly with an empty stomach.
Granny : Sam go to the vault and fetch me my purse.
Sam : Vault?
BlackMan : Under granny’s mattress.
Friday : Hey, hey, hey. Good morning
BlackMan : You no longer knock. Where’s the respect dawg. Even before you enter the toilet you knock. It seems to me like you respect shit more than us?
Friday : Jeez man. Why you grumpy so early in the morning. The door was already open.
Sam : That nigga is starving. [Leaves the room] Under the mattress [Picks up the mattress and sees a lot of clustered paper covering the base], so much cash. Is this the one.
Granny : Yeah.
Sam : So that is what you call the vault, if anyone tries to steal then what’s going to happen?
Friday : If we are being honest, they stopped you.
Sam : [Gives him the look] I guess you have a point. Granny is one tough bitch. [Granny tuns her head towards Sam] Sorry slip of tongue, I meant to say one tough lady.
BlackMan : You cheated death.
Granny : I’ll take the car out and make sure that you lock everything and do not forget about the windows
[In the car heading to the supermarket]
Friday : Why are you so quiet?
BlackMan : I wanted to seat on the front.
Granny : You were fighting for it so you both head to go at the back.
BlackMan : The front is my sit.
Sam : I wanted to drive but you don’t hear me complaining.
Granny : Cops up ahead.
Friday : We are gonna go to jail. The is an old woman driving a car.
Granny : I am not that old. Old people are allowed to drive.
Friday : Old people are the most responsible for car accidents.
Granny : All this fighting of yours will make the police to stop us.
[The policemen wave’s at granny’s car as a sign to stop the car.]
Policemen : Good morning mam. Can I see your license.
Granny : I do not have it. My doctor had me it suspended because she thinks that I need glasses. Clearly, he high because I can see clearly.
Policeman : That is going to be an issue.
Granny : How can we fix this?
Policeman : [Clears his throat] My throat is dry. A cold drink would be nice.
Granny : Here you go. [Gives 50 bucks to the man]
Policeman : You may go.
Sam : Granny just bribed a police officer.
Granny : No I didn’t, I just gave him money for cold drink.
Friday : I’ve become an accessory to a crime. I can’t go to jail.
Granny : No one is going to get arrested unless someone snitches. Are you a snitch?
Friday : I’m not.
Granny : Good boy. I hope you are taking notes cause I’m not bailing anyone for any traffic offence.
[Meanwhile in the supermarket one of the cashiers is on a phone call while on duty.]
Rev : Sister, can you make it quick I am in a hurry. [Referring to the cashier]
Cashier : [Gives him the look while chewing a bubble gum] Listen here brother, don’t you see people in front of you. They are not complaining so I suggest you do the same.
Rev : But you are busy talking to your friend. As a matter of fact, I’d like to see the manager.
Cashier : Lucky for you, the manager is me now tell me what is wrong or shut your mouth. As I was saying friend before I was rudely interrupted my baby daddy no longer gives me cash instead, he buys the stuff personally. How does he think I’ll afford my lifestyle if he no longer gives me cash. That child money is for the both of us. I showed out that big ass boy out of my coochie, so I deserve to be spoiled. I am the one that made him a daddy. Next!
BlackMan : Such commotion. So, much for professionality.
Sam : Isn’t that the Rev.
BlackMan : That crook is here.
Granny : Make sure to take what you need, do not go overboard.
Rev : Finally.
Cashier : It will be 354. Cash or card?
Rev : He is my card.
Cashier : Declined.
Rev : Try it again.
Cashier : Your card is declining. Friend, could you believe the guy that interrupted me just wanted to ruin my day. He screamed at me while knowing that he is broke. [Chewing gum explodes]
Rev : Let me subtract a few things.
Cashier : Subtract! Sis Pat, can you come help me out here. Friend my manager is coming to me so I’ll call you in two minutes.
Rev : I knew you were not the manager.
Cashier : Focus on your de declining card. She is the manager of managers and you never stated with manager you were looking for.
BlackMan : Somebody is broke?
Sam : Those donations must be truly for the church.
BlackMan : Knowing him he finished all of it at the strip club.
Sam : Strip club, the Rev.
BlackMan : Long story let’s save it for some other day and enjoy this encounter.
Granny : Let me go say hi.
Cashier : Type your pin again. Haaibo it is still declining. [In a high voice that she sounds like she is on the store’s radio]. Can someone help this bozo. He is wasting my time. Papa your card has no money please step aside.
[Customers yelling get out like an angry mob chasing out a thief]
Granny : Wait that is my pastor. I will pay for him.
BlackMan : I swear that nigga bewitched the entire church. How can you explain this type of behavior.
Rev : A ha in your face. Now till my stuff. Granny I’m in a hurry so we’ll talk later.
Granny : See you later.
Sam : We gonna get him for this.
Granny : You will have to return your sweets.
Sam : How come?
Granny : You saw that are paid for the Rev.
Sam : But I do get my yoghurt.
Granny : It will have to return.
Sam : This ain’t fair. Why do I gotta suffer for his sins.
Granny : All because of Ubuntu.
BlackMan : Granny is he blackmailing you. Tell me and I’ll sort it out right now before he gets far.
Granny : Nobody can blackmail me.
BlackMan : Then why?
Friday : I figured it out. Granny has a crush on the Rev.
Sam : That makes sense.
BlackMan : Not my granny, tell me it is not true. [Keeps quiet and increases the suspense] Oh no!
Granny : Of course not a lady of my caliber having a crush on someone. Baby I love your grandfather with all my heart and no man is going to take his place or replace.
BlackMan : I’m glad.
Sam : Phew. That was close. You should stop assuming shit about granny.
Friday : But you seconded my theory.
BlackMan : You should beat the both of them up granny they deserve it, for making such insinuations.
Granny : Not just them two. We are all family here, so you get equal punishment. You better run before I catch you. [Without hesitation they run out. Sam even went out the window fearing for her life.] If I do not catch you than you will not enter my house! [Running after them.]
BlackMan : But you said we should run!
Granny : Just having fun with my target before they get an ass whooping.
EPISODE 18
Baby Sitting
[Car hooting outside Mercy’s house]
Mercy : Hey baby. Who is that at the back?
Tyrese : That’s my kid, little Tommy the one I told you about.
Tommy : I am not little Tommy.
Mercy : Hi Tommy.
Tommy : You the hoe that is fucking my dad.
Tyrese : Watch your mouth boy. Kids these days got no respect. Now apologize.
Tommy : I am sorry that called you a hoe.
Mercy : Where are you taking him.
Tyrese : I couldn’t a babysitter for him, and his momma is out of town.
Mercy : Actually, I know a couple of kids that could take the gig. Follow me. [Knocks at grannie’s house.
BlackMan : If it is the police then no one is around.
Sam : If it is the police then you have given them prove that someone is around with your yelling.
Mercy : It is me Mercy, open.
BlackMan : Why you are knocking like a cop.
Mercy : That’s how I knock. Is granny around.
BlackMan : Nah, she left on some church function. Who’s this bozo.
Mercy : This is Tommy, I would like you to take care of him?
BlackMan : So, you can get freaky with your nigga, count me out. Ask Sam
Sam : Whatever it is, it is a no.
Tommy : [Tommy’s eyes get mesmerized as he catches a glance of Sam.] You can leave me her.
Mercy : Thank you for taking him, the father will pay you when he returns, bye.
BlackMan : But we didn’t agree to this shit.
Tommy : They are gone. [Approaches Sam on the Sofa]. What a fine lady I am seeing with my eyes.
BlackMan : Fine lady you gotta get your eyes checked kid.
Tommy : You are sitting so comfortably without a drink on your hand. What can I get you? Beer, wine, water or cold drink.
Sam : Get me a yoghurt from the fridge and pass me the remote.
Tommy : Your wish is my command. [Goes to the fridge but cannot reach the high shelve] Shit I can’t reach. Hey blacky come pick you me.
BlackMan : Can you believe this kid.
Sam : He is thoughtful go help him.
BlackMan : Use the cheer dummy.
Tommy : At least you got brains, just be rich and some desperate girl will accept your love because you are ugly as fuck.
BlackMan : I’ll kill that kid.
Sam : Take it easy on the kid.
BlackMan : Can’t believe Sam is with another nigga yet again.
Sam : That’s girl power.
BlackMan : She is a hoe. Getting railed by all these men.
Sam : It sounds to me like you are jealous.
BlackMan : Me, never. I don’t get attracted to hoes.
Sam : Then why I you consent about how many niggas are fucking her. You have a crush on her, but you just don’t want to admit it. I’ve seen the two of you, flirt.
BlackMan : She wants me and I don’t want her. She has lost her value.
Sam : But you want to hit and run.
BlackMan : I do not want to be sick.
Sam : You want to smash yes or no.
BlackMan : No.
Sam : I’ll take your word just for this time only. Where is that kid with my yoghurt.
Tommy : Here it is.
Sam : Why is it opened? You fucking ate it, it is all over your mouth.
Tommy : I was just checking for poison. The world cannot lose such a beautiful lady at a young age.
BlackMan : Laziness will not bring you anything.
Tommy : Now will you be my bitch.
Sam : Excuse me.
BlackMan : Now that’s some pimp shit. Put it in her.
Sam : Stop motivating the boy.
Tommy : I did something for you and now you gotta repay me by being my girlfriend.
BlackMan : You got yourself a boyfriend. Wow
Sam : Stop that stupidity.
Tommy : You didn’t say no so I’m happy to be your boyfriend.
BlackMan : Tell her. Say you want a kiss.
Tommy : Nice looking out for a brother. Now kiss me.
Sam : [Slaps the kid as he is approaching for a kiss] What do you think you are doing [He starts crying]
BlackMan : Look now he is crying but you deserve it for calling me blacky.
[Meanwhile Mercy and Tyrese are having dinner]
Mercy : What do you think Tommy is doing right now?
Tyrese : Knowing him, he is probably crying right now.
Mercy : Missing his daddy, now that is sweet.
Tyrese : Not that. Did you realise how he said he will remain once he saw that girl. I bet a hundred bucks that he is trying to make her his girlfriend. That’s all he has done to his previous babysitters. No one wants to baby sit him because he acts like a pimp. Saying whatever he wants without any consideration for other people’s feelings.
Mercy : You truly know your kid.
Tyrese : Yeah, he got mommy issues. Always hitting on people older than him.
Mercy : I am full. Want to go to my place.
Tyrese : Shouldn’t I pick up little Tommy.
Mercy : You will take him in the morning. He is just next door.
BlackMan : He killed the kid.
Sam : No I didn’t kill him, he just passed out.
BlackMan : Passed out from a bitch slept. Oh, shit he’s starting to snore. That is a relieve.
Sam : Granny taught me well.
BlackMan : Guess he had to much bitchness in him to pass out and snore like that. Mercy is back.
Sam : They should come take their kid.
BlackMan : They went inside her house.
Sam : They will come in a few minutes.
Mercy : Come give it to me daddy.
Tyrese : It is in.
BlackMan : [Mercy Moaning] They are smashing you should forget about her fetching the kid.
Sam : She is loud. He must be good in bed.
BlackMan : If you want then you’ll find me in my room with earphones on full blast.
Sam : Sorry, you crush is getting fucked and that breaks your heart.
BlackMan : You can stay and listen to her moaning sound. [ Puts a blanket on top of the kid]
Sam : I’m also leaving, that sound is traumatic.
[In the morning]
Mercy : Hey guys I came to get Tommy. Hope he didn’t give you trouble.
Sam : No he didn’t. He is still asleep.
Mercy : Is that him snoring, I thought it was BlackMan.
BlackMan : I do not snore.
Mercy : Tyrese go pick up the kid. He is your money plus a little extra. Bye.
Sam : Bye.
BlackMan : That good was still asleep. He gon tell his father everything once he wakes up.
Sam : And I won’t be around to hear me. Plus, I even gave him a peaceful sleep they should thank me for that slap.
First day at school
Turf war
EPISODE 19
Living at Grannies House
Sam : BlackMan where is Friday. I haven’t seen him in a while. Is he okay?
BlackMan : You care about him. You are getting all soft.
Sam : I enjoy messing around with him. He’s like my toy. If he isn’t here then that means I have to make you my toy.
BlackMan : Let’s go check him.
Sam : I got nothing to do, okay let’s go.
[Friday at home]
Friday : Dad are don’t wat to go live with auntie. That place is awful. All they do is fart all day, they got no manners or respect for other people. Do not get me started on hygiene.
Friday’s dad : I like for you to come with me but that is beyond my power. We got no other choice.
Sam : Open huge head.
Friday : I was going to pop in later.
BlackMan : [See’s boxes] What’s going on here.
Friday’s dad : We are leaving this town.
BlackMan : Why?
Friday : My dad got a job offer at outside the country and he can’t take me so I have to go live with my aunt.
BlackMan : Your dad is finally tied of that head of yours obstructing his view. That’s why he’s living your ass behind.
Sam : You were going to live without telling us, now that’s cruel even for you.
Friday : I thought you didn’t care about.
Sam : Of course, I care. Who am I going to bully if you leave. I do not want to afresh.
Friday : Cold as usual.
BlackMan : Can’t you remain here.
Friday : My dad doesn’t want me to stay alone. So, I gotta go even though I am not willing to.
BlackMan : Why don’t you come and live with us. You spend 75% of your time at grannies place.
Friday : I do not want to be a burden.
BlackMan : You won’t be a burden. You know that granny sees you as her kid. She always referred to you as her kid.
Friday : You think she would agree?
BlackMan : Of course.
Friday : Dad can we try granny.
Friday’s dad : I do not know. Let’s give it a try and if she disagrees then you are going to your aunties crib.
Friday : Let’s do it.
[Logic and granny sitting at the garden]
Granny : He is your iced tea. I made sure it is properly cold.
Logic : Just the way I like it. [He dashes the tea with a little bit of alcohol]
Granny : Pour some for me. Those kids of mine always make me hot tea and I can’t drink it with spirits.
Logic : I hear that Mercy has now got a permanent boyfriend called Tyrese.
Granny : Finally, maybe she can settle down for once. I am tired of seeing different cars parking outside hooting busy waking me up.
Logic : Will she be able to handle a long-term relationship.
Granny : The question is can he handle her with all that past that she has.
Logic : I know I couldn’t handle. Settling for a taxi to be your personal car. All the people who have climbed it and the mileage behind on it. Some niggas got confidence.
Granny : She is a sweet girl, but the problem is that she has daddy issues.
Logic : Daddy issues are the worst.
[ A moving truck stops at grannie’s gate]
Is someone moving in?
Granny : Not that I know of. What are my kids doing inside it.
Friday’s Dad : Afternoon.
Granny : What is it with the moving truck, are you moving?
Friday’s Dad : I am moving. I found a job outside the country and unfortunately, I can’t take Friday with me. Would it be inconvenient if I left him here. I was going to take him to my sister’s place, but the area is just not convenient for a young man like him. I’m afraid that he will end up in jail or doing drugs in that place.
Granny : Now don’t be silly Friday knows that this is his home. He can stay with us. This means that I get to be active while solving their matters.
Fridays dad : Thank you granny. I will send a few cents to help with groceries because he eats a lot.
Granny : All that food goes all into his head. He is even blocking the sunlight.
Logic : He looks like a lollipop.
BlackMan : Where should we put his stuff.
Granny : In the garage we will make space after.
[They take out all of Friday’s belongings]
Friday’s dad : Take care my boy and better behave. You can see granny is still young and she won’t hesitate to take care of you. Bye granny.
BlackMan : You are now fully part of these family.
Granny : Friday come here. I want you to go the vault and bring my car keys and move the car out.
[They turn the garage into a room with the car still fitting inside]
BlackMan : Now the is your joint. You know where everything is at, so you do not need any introduction.
Friday : I’m just glad that I didn’t have to got o that dump where my aunt lives. I love it here.
Sam : I’ll make sure you regret staying here.
Friday : You gonna need another mattress to use as a pillow cause that head is not going to fit on the pillow.
Logic’s past
Favour for no-return
The music event
EPISODE 20
Looking for No-Returns Medication
[A noise of footsteps is coming out of No-Returns house while he’s snore makes it hard to heard the footsteps]
Police : Open! Brak the door men [Still snoring] He’s still asleep after that sound. Wake up
No-Return : What are you doing in my house. [No-Return begins to sweat like an open faucet]
Police : Where are the stolen goods?
No-Return : Please go away, I don’t like cops. [Begins to sneeze uncontrollably]
Police : Yeah you are cracking in a few seconds you will spill the beans.
No-Return : I an not saying anything to youuuu [He experiences a seizure]
Police : Nigga wake up, what’s going on. Call the ambulance, we can’t afford to have a person die in front of us.
Friday : What’s the plan for today?
BlackMan : Landing a plan on the top of your head.
Friday : Come on guys be serious. I am bored right now.
Sam : Use that head of yours because it seems like you got to many thoughts.
Friday : Ha, ha, ha very funny make fun of the guy with the huge head.
[At the hospital]
No-Return : Thanks for coming men. [Coughing]
Logic : Take it easy man. What happened?
No-Return : The cops pulled up to my house yesterday. I’m glad to be alive. I need a favor.
Logic : You need medicine.
No-Return : I knew I could count on you.
Logic : Do I really need to go to the guy?
No-Return : This illness is different men. Have you ever heard of a men being allergic to the police.
Logic : But it is not a one men job.
No-Return : Combine a crew that can help you with the job.
Logic : How about your security team.
No-Return : They are watching the police. They’ll have to move me when they show up.
Logic : I’ll see what I can do.
[Playing a video game]
Friday : I whoop your ass. Ain’t no way I’m going to lose to a chick. Give me my money.
Sam : Let’s go again.
Friday : Give me my money first.
Sam : If you win this time then I’ll give it to you double.
Friday : BlackMan talk to her.
BlackMan : I told you not to bet with her. She is a stingy bitch.
Sam : I’m still in the room. I can hear you motherfuckers loudly.
BlackMan : We didn’t intend on gossiping about you.
Friday : Men don’t gossip. Let’s play together.
BlackMan : I am broke, as a motherfucker.
[knock on the door.]
Friday : Bitch get the door.
BlackMan : You hear how he talks to me.
Friday : Give me my money first and you’ll get my respect back.
Logic : I took it to my own liberty and opened the door for myself. No-Return asks for a favor and before you disagree just know that it pays well and you will be saving a man’s life.
BlackMan : It pays well. I’m in.
Logic : Follow me. [Goes inside a car that is parked outside grannies’ house] Get in.
BlackMan : Where are we heading?
Logic : We are going to get the miracle doctor.
Friday : That nigga is popular.
Sam : How do you know him.
Logic : We used to work together before also, I met No-Return through him. He used supply No-Return with medicine to help with his allergy to police.
BlackMan : You do everything. You were in the military, a cop, a doctor like all these careers bra in one lifetime.
Sam : You truly are Logic.
Logic : I was told that he is doing a seminar in that cinema we will wait until he finishes.
Friday : There he is. It should be smooth since you know him.
Logic : It is not that easy.
Friday : What do you mean?
Logic : It ended up on bad terms between us. He literally hates me.
Friday : Spill the beans.
Logic : I fucked his girlfriend without knowing that they were related. I told him about the nasty stuff we did without knowing they were dating.
BlackMan : What about the bro code.
Logic : I didn’t know bra. The girl played us plus we were young back there.
Friday : How are we going to approach him.
Logic : We will abduct him. It will only be for a few hours then we bring him back.
Sam : What? I don’t want granny to teach me manners again.
Logic : Is security team is busy pushing the crowd back, now it is our chance. When I stop the car I want the two of you to get out and put him inside the boot. [The car moves]
BlackMan : Wait a minu…
Logic : Grab him. [Tire stretch. Opens the car boot]
Friday : Let’s do it.
Miracle doctor : What is going on here.
BlackMan : You are coming with us. [They put him in the trunk. And drive off]
Miracle doctor : Let me out. Do you know who I am.
Sam : They are two black cars following us.
Logic : It must be the guards. Hang on tied [Increase the car speed and maneuvers through the alley ways.
BlackMan : You are tossing us around.
Logic : Hold on to the oh bullshit handles.
Sam : What?
Logic : The handles on the roof. We are about to lose them.
Friday : Don’t do it.
Logic : I’m doing it. [Takes a ramp and the car jumps across a house]
Random guy : [While smoking] A flying car [Throws away the cigarette.] I’m done with this shit.
Miracle Doctor : [Car slams on to the road and keeps on speeding] Let me out!
Sam : Nigga you trying to kill us.
Logic : We lost them. Now we can go to the hospital.
Friday : Now we are in big trouble. I should have left with my daddy but no I had to stay in this shitty town cause I don’t wanna live with my aunt.
BlackaMan : Shut up bitch.
Friday : We are now branded as criminals.
Sam : Remind me why we are doing this shit again.
Logic : I am sure No-Return will compensate you will.
BlackMan : Why you doing favors for him. Couldn’t his goons do it.
Logic : They are making sure that cops do not get near him, and this mission required people who would do the job quietly.
BlackMan : Which we failed to do.
Friday : That’s were No-Return is at.
Logic : Yeah. [The car stops] Now listen carefully all of you. You going to open the trunk and him my picture and he will calm down. Take him to room 307, that’s where you will find no return.
Sam : Why do we need a if you are here with us.
Logic : I’m going to quench my first with my first love.
Sam : Hol’ on, so you leaving us with this nigga alone.
Logic : [Opens the car door and leaves.] Chao. And make sure to show him my pic while opening the trunk! Do not look at it if you know what is good for you.
Sam : Who gon open the trunk?
BlackMan : I’ll do it cause I,m no pussy. Give me that photo. [Opens the trunk and lighting nearly strikes him.] What the fuck is this shit.
Friday : [His mouth is wide open]
Sam : Uhh!
Miracle Doctor : That was a close one. [Gets out of the truck] You where nearly a gonna for a second the. Takes the pic where is Logic?
Sam : He has calm down.
Friday : The pic works. Can I see the pic.
Miracle doctor : Hands the picture to BlackMan to pass it to Friday.
BlackMan : [Takes a look and gags]
Friday : Shit that nigga gay. [Friday goes into a state of shock]
Sam : Hell no how you gon let me check Logic’s nudes.
Miracle Doctor : Isn’t he wonderful.
Friday : Nigga you gay.
Miracle Doctor : Why are you gay?
BlackMan : That means that nigga Logic is gay. No wonder he drinking everyday cause he’s ass is being nutted on.
Friday : They be riding him like a horse.
BlackMan : They took it literally when they said homies over hoes, now do the homie.